Letters To Deseree
Just really board and wondoring what people think (Letters to My Ex)
----------------------------------------------------------------------7/6/11 Me to her
Hay Desi,
This is probably the last time your ever going to hear from me but i feel like i need closure.im not going to sit here and curse and say rude s*** about you, pretend that i -dont love you or pretend that i want to get back with you. Truthfully its like i finally see you clearly. i used to hold you in an almost angelic light and i know now tht was wrong. your not the perfect angel i thought you were. yes me and you are both exactly the same if you really think im conceded and minipulative then so are you and i could and would hapily bring up times from either. on top of that your extreemly spitful and i hate it. in this final message i plan to adress all of the rude and hurtful **** you said because in my mind none of it is true and your making excuses of
why 'you dont love me'
And yes, I did read that "shes being a ****" thing. You wanna know why? Because you're a ****ing torpid, obsessive, manipulative wanna-be **** who can't even respect his own MOTHER, let alone everyone else because he's got his head so ****ing far up his ass to even notice that he's not even worth being walked all over. You wanted to play me? I played you back. So. **** you and your wanna-be ghetto ass. Show off as much as you want for your friends, it really shows how much respect you have. You lost mine the last month we dated the FIRST time. I wouldn't even consider it dating. And you wonder why your ****ing parents don't want you. Or your grandma. Like I was ever going to visit you in the first place. And instead of sitting there and calling me a slut because you have nothing factual to say, at least put it in actual SENTENCES. But oh, wait, it's something you CANT DO because you're so ****ing inapt to do so. And really, if you're going to continue telling someone you love them, TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Yeah, that one with so much cottage cheese around them fat ass legs with a big ****ing nose that has no eyebrows? Yeah, that repulsive thing. You wanna know why I left you in the first place? Because you are so ****ing manipulative and conceited. You can't go one day telling me you can go **** whoever you want. Sure you can, because they're all so easy. Just like you. You wanted me to really believe you sat there for two hours w that so called best friend of yours? That's when you lost my respect. That's when I met RJ. Yeah, sit there and say "oh he's a pussy" just bc he didn't call you names over the phone. It's called being respectful. Another thing, he's not a ****. He never lost his broad shoulders and eight pack abs and have to work so ****ing hard to get it. He's the state's best football player, wrestler, track runner, etc. Oh, and by the way, it wasn't eight months we dated. It was barely even four.
One last thing. It's funny how you send your friends to fight for you. Because you're such a chicken **** to even fight back for yourself. You even cried when I told you your own ****ing family doesn't want you. And it's even more hilarious how they even fight for whos gonna take you in because they're so ****ing apathetic towards you. You're not worth it, anyways. What you always ****ing said to me was ****. Anyways, I gotta go now. Thanks for understanding♥
Before i start know all of what i say is true and that in no way will i ever be with you again and most likly never talk to you again
Deseree, i never played you. i never cheated or was ever even thinking of cheating and the thought of you thinking i was really dose ****ing tear me up inside. i dont no what else i could have done to prove to you the truth but i never played you. i never had ny intention to. i really did love youand would have been happy to spend the rest of my life with you. your beautiful. intelegent. funny. your like a perfect match for me and everything i ever said or sung to you was real and was from my heart. i still wear the engagment ring i bought around my neck and i dont know what it means anymore.
Truthfully you shouldnt make me putting you in front of my whole life as bad. I know girls who would do anything for that commitment. In less then 5 months i was ready to put you before the people who id lived with and grown up with all my life. I made you, my future wife my priorety and spent countless hours thinking of ways to make you smile. now i realise it was always mostly a 1 sided relationship. what did you ever do for me? nothing but sit there and talk back. ou never spent hours planning a card that would never be sent. never saved all those cards for the day wheni could give you a book of em.
You showed me that your just like your mom though and im glad that i know that even if it took me to long. Your a racist **** and i mean that in the nicest way. YES IM BLACK. YES IM PROUD OF THE STRONG LINIAGE OF MY PEOPLE. WILL I BECOME A BLACK STERETYPE? NO. IM NOT GHETTO. IM NOT A WANNA BE ****. I DONT WANNA BE ANYTHING. and its truthfully PATHETIC TO SEE HOW FAR YOUVE FALLEN. Im ashamed to have even ever dated a worthless hick like you. so go on and scream your obsinitys at me. your not gunna tear me down.
You say **** like how my perents dont want me but without a distraction me and all my family are closer then ever. i'm not going to change though. i will still put people who deserve my love first even if i put them over my family. on top of that my girlfriend, Ciera, dose know about you and she even accepts it. she says shes willing to fight and try and help me get over you. i told her streight up. I LOVE MY EX DESI. she knows it and even if i know it hurts her im not going to push her away as you would wish. "...sitting there and calling me a slut because you have nothing factual to say, at least put it in actual SENTENCES..." This is somthing you said. and so is this "...TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Yeah, that one with so much cottage cheese around them fat ass legs with a big ****ing nose that has no eyebrows? Yeah, that repulsive thing. You wanna know why I left you in the first place? Because you are so ****ing manipulative and conceited. You can't go one day telling me you can go **** whoever you want. Sure you can, because they're all so easy. Just like you. You wanted me to really believe you sat there for two hours w that so called best friend of yours? That's when you lost my respect..." Not only are you being a hypocrit in insulting someone youve never seen but its pathetic that you ar and it shows your jealious? Me a hoe? you say it like you didnt go **** that kid RJ. Even then i was saving myself for you and you are a slut to me because you ****ed him when i was so happy to turn down all these girls who wanted my verginity. I was a vergin. i never lied to you. As a matter of fact ive really only ever even dated like 3 people. wanna no why? because all the others are a weist of time. and you were the perfect one. the angel tat i would marry and runn away with. and you ruined it. In that closet she was trying to get me to dump you, trying to steal me and i wouldent let it happen. i sat there 2 hours listening to bull**** about how you probably never loved me and how you were to far. then i snaped. i told her to never say a single word like that or i ould never speak to her again. i then spent the rest of the time exp[lkaining whta i thought me and you had. trust.
"That's when I met RJ. Yeah, sit there and say "oh he's a pussy" just bc he didn't call you names over the phone. It's called being respectful. Another thing, he's not a ****. He never lost his broad shoulders and eight pack abs and have to work so ****ing hard to get it. He's the state's best football player, wrestler, track runner, etc. Oh, and by the way, it wasn't eight months we dated. It was barely even four."Here your prett much admitting you were cheating on me and that hurts the most... to know that all that time you never really did love me literally makes my eyes water. it hurts so bad i went to talk to a theripist about it. And he is a pussy. if another man who is more delicious xD was talkin to my girl i would scare the kid away and protect what i love. think about it like that. and congrats to him on havin his whole life in order. do you wanna cookie or somthing? and theres that racist **** again. the reason i stoped workin out like crazy was because i finally felt confertable about myself when i was with you. i didnt worry about how ilooked that day or what i was wearing. i was thinking about how much i loved you and hw i needed you, how you made me feel like no one ever had. and yeah i did bd math. sorry .
lastly im going to say i never sent nnyone to fight for me. i never had any of my friends message you. as a matter of fact they thought you were fake and wanted to see ifyou were real. plus your the one who sent me that message then banned me. thats pussy **** right there. stand up for yourself or your not going anywhere. now i know you may never read this but its the truth. and i hope you dont nhold me in such a negitive light anymore. im kind of forced to at this point but its not all bad. i could go and name off all the good times we had but i wont weast your time. if theyre really inportent you can remember. take a minute to look back at our whole relationship. look and try to find the real potential we had. then know that the blood is entirly on your hands. thats all i have to say.
Goodbye desi,
i hope your happy with rj. bye.
--------------------------------------------------------------------7/23/11 Me to her
I must seem like some nutjob that keeps changing my mind by now and im assuming your in boot camp so ill just write this all out now. disregaurd all the previous emails because though they are true recently i took the time to relook at my life. im not talkin about us anymore cuz thats kinda retarded now that i think about it. it was only 4 months and im sorry i... fell in love with you. it ts silly now lol. what hope did we really have? you live way over there and your... you. it was just a matter of time right? well thats what i tell myself now. i went down to cali this, last weekend and i finally figured out what i was becoming. i had almost let some girl i never even met ruin my life and im sorry if i ever pressured you.i went on for 2 weeks studying how to become a guggelo or however you spell it. i dont ****in know. then i was like just cuz i lost one dosent mean there wont be others. now ive settled on somthing i think ill really like. i wanna be a piolet. now i promice its not because of you even though i have daydreamed about being randomly assigned to a unit wwith you (particularly the fighting 14th tophatters: the squad i wanna join.) btw have u seen how big the fighter jets are??? holy **** lol. anyway. i think we're cool i guess. its up to you and its also up to you to belive me or not (pertaining to the FACT that i never cheated on you and i NEVER said any of that **** my lil sister said about you.)but who cares right. im just some dumb ****. anyway. me and my mom are friends again and actually better then before... i still hate my dad. it dose suck. i figured i woulda been outta here by next january but now that we arnt together i kinda gotta wait till the school years over lol. alright then i guess thats all i gotta say. after i write this ima delete this message and your email. itll be up tp you if you wanna contact me again. anyway. i gotta go. ttyl loveeeee yaaaaaaaaaa lol bye.;)
-------------------------------------------------------------------9/4/11 Her to me
I just looked into my yahoo and found this. And I didn't add that n word (I hate that word, I really do. Along with pussy). I told my friend what had happened and she typed half of it (I didn't really have the heart at first but I was sooooooooooo mad at the tiem) and I typed the rest. And I'm sorry, but I DID know that was in there and I didn't remove that ****. Sorry. And yeah, we're cool, and no I'm not in boot camp yet. But you're young, kiddo. There's more to life and there's other ways of finding happiness than getting a girlfriend/boyfriend (I'm noting for myself too.) And if you wanna be a pilot (that's the correct spelling) then you gotta be like frikken Einstien. And stop copying my dreams, **** you. Not kidding lol. And tbh, I fell in love with you too, but things don't work out when you're half across the world. But who knows? If we meet sometime in the future and everything clicks, what do you think might happen? Anyways. I've been keeping myself busy, been finding myself and what I'd like to accomplish in my future. If only time moved a bit faster so that can happen.
And who gives a **** about the people over there? The girls are hoes and the guys are players, not necissarily saying that directly to you lol. And I know you never cheated. You are seriously the coolest kid I've met, tbh. Yeah, I called you a kid. lol. But let's get serious... If you had let a girl you've never met in person ruin your life... I'd be disappointed in you. BUT. I can say that we can meet as friends pretty soon without you or me having to spend any money. After boot camp, I have two weeks to myself. Where should I go after I've visited my old friends in Texas? Cuz I'd still think it'd be cool to see someone you've met on effing xbox and talked to for like half a year? idk to me I think it's cool. I don't care if you think it's retarded so **** you lol. Okay, I gotta get ready for work... Text me. 817-437-1870. Just say "heyy, it's brian! you mexican ****" or something (:
(Continued Later that day) I'm sorry, but I laughed... Lol. Half of that message, from "And yes..." to the part where it says "you lost my respect" I didn't write. I guess that's a bit more than half a message she wrote for me, huh? And I didn't get these messages until just today. And I did love you, idk maybe I still do, somewhere in the back of my heart, you know? But I never cheated on you. I said those things about rj just to make you mad. Me and him... we were barely even friends!
And you are right. Finding a guy with that kind of commitment... I had it. I had you. I loved every ****ing second of it, and I loved every ****ing second I had you in my life, either as a friend or boyfriend, although when I get mad I tend to cross the line and say things I don't mean, but I've worked on that. I can now bite my tongue and deal with other's mean words with a grain of salt. Had to learn it or I get my ass chewed by the DI when I leave. And I'm not a hick. A hick enjoys all sorts of unusual kinds of sex. And enjoying the thought of getting boned by a **** hot firefighter isn't unusual. I messaged you then blocked (not banned) you because I wanted to be over and done with everything. I wanted to forget everything. I tried forgetting you. I am sorry, but like I said before, I DID NOT WRITE MOST OF THAT MESSAGE. Just the rj part. And both of our friends thought the other was fake. Sonia, Tamra, Stefanie, Alyssa, they all thought you were fake too. And I'm NOT racist. I didn't write that n word ****. And I hate the p word too. YOU know that. And Mexicans can't be hicks, honey. And when I lost my virginity to rj, that doesn't make me a slut. I did want to share that ****ed first time with you. At the time I had THOUGHT I loved him, and then there was that pressure of being teased for being 18 and still a virgin, then that night I tried a drink at a party and I can't handle that **** so that didn't help my situation. But I got SO much **** about me being 18 and a virgin, you have NO IDEA. And sure, I thought so much of myself back then. Talked nothing but about myself, I was paranoid, etc. You're right. But I had that time to look at myself in the mirror and put myself in other's shoes. After a good few months of sorting that **** out, (yeah right now it seems like I'm talking about myself, I'm really just clearing things up, so don't confuse that) I mentally slapped myself in the face and called myself a ****ing ****. I am one, that's me. I usually see nothing but the bad in others. I don't take into consideration of the little things. I'm selfish and unreliable and untrustworthy. But I was immature when I was all that, VERY immature. I still might be selfish and at times, see nothing but the bad, but I had time to myself to reflect on all this **** I've done to others when I thought I was doing good. So yeah, I probably seemed fake, and at the time I was. I wasn't there for you, I didn't listen to you, nor to others for that matter, and if I did I had the tenacity to get over ****ing emotional about it. I had nothing but problems with my life (not literally... just telling you what I thought) and when someone needed me, I claimed to be there but never really was. I never cared. And I'm sorry. I also had to talk to a therapist. Turned out Joe put me in a depression. And a bad one. And don't worry, I'm ashamed of me too. Because none of what I had done to you really was me. I'm sorry
And here are the little things I remember and enjoyed most...
You trying to grow yourself a cute beard. And you're still a kid lol. It does look good on you, though.
Your giant nose, and if I were there in person I'd bite it every morning just because.
How you endured several months of hell lol. That's pretty admirable...
How you dream big but still live for the little events.
How you'd make sex noises when we're on the phone and I have to talk with someone else, ESPECIALLY WITH MY MOM. And she heard.
Three days of oovoo. I actually hated it lol you have no idea. Not cuz it was with you, just saying.
Your abs, or they were getting there lol.
You had your way of showing affection. And you watched me sleep CREEPER.
How your logic has no real logic... About 90% of the time.
How you sucked at spelling and math.
How I don't care if I'm wasting your time by telling you these little things that was the most enjoyable and that you'll probably smile after reading this.
How your feelings were real.
How you were over trusting.
Your dick being as big as it was. Lol just thought to throw that in there? especially in the list for "the little things I remember..." LOL JUST KIDDING OMG JUST KIDDING.
How you might have had your mouth gaped open after reading that, maybe had a chuckle. If you didn't, you're a changed man.
Yeah, that's what I forgot to put in there. I loved how you would drop your jaw after a seriously mean joke but still either laugh or chuckle.
How your lips were bigger than Angelina Jolie's. I'd still **** her, though. Sorry.
How you made me that card.
How you sucked at halo. (:
Your big eyebrows.
How you'd kiss the camera like OHH baby.
How you licked your fingers.
The carving in the tree (is it still there?)
Your doodles.
The way you carried me in your pocket.
How you're competitive.
How I just had my doorbell beaten the **** out of by my gay (he literally IS gay, like, girl gay.) friend Alex. Dx So everyone calls him a "she"
Sorry. Just thought I'd say that because I'm sitting in the front porch and he just came up to my door, with his head turned towards me with some serious face on, and rang my doorbell a few ****ing dozen times like a boss. And I was like "Uh.... Hi Alex?" and he didnt say nuthin until I told him that I'd defy his sexuality if he broke my doorbell. If you don't get it you're just plain dumb (:
How you get jealous and it's cute.
How you could make any girl happy.
Texting truth or dares during class.
Your competitiveness.
Those old "your mom" and "that's what she said" jokes for basically ANYTHING.
You skipping school because I forget why, but it was just to talk to me I remember that much.
Your singing.
You trying to speak Spanish (sorry, but you failed lol)
You faking your friends came over to steal you. That was some **** good acting.
Okay, you get the GIST of it.
Okay... Let's get serious for a moment... I never really understood how love worked. I don't know what love really is. I don't know what happens when you're IN love. But to you, IF I never did love you, I think you brought me the closest. I also don't know if you don't know, or if you think you know. I don't know. There's a lot of "knows" in there... But believe me when I say this. I feel ashamed. God, so ashamed. Don't get mad but I did OD on pain killers, and I didn't know it. For a good few weeks, it felt like my heart was going to burst, it was THAT painful, I thought it was because of something else other than heartbreak, so I kept taking six painkillers in an hour trying to get rid of the pain. I regretted every word I sent that wasn't mine, and I knew it was wrong. It still is wrong. And I want to go back and curse your sister out because she does such a bad impression of you. Sure, everyone uses the words "You were the best thing that happened to me." But I'm going to make it my own. You ARE the best thing that happened to me, and I mean it. And I was the one that ****ed it up, don't blame yourself. You had every right to tell me these things in this message you sent so long ago but just arrived in my inbox today. You have every right to still curse me and still see me as the devil. I treated you wrongly. You were nothing but kind, something I've been praying for since the freshman year in High School. And I didn't notice it. I didn't care if I did or not. It was always about me me mememememememe. And I'm sorry. That pain you went through, the way you must have felt, the way you still tried to get some kind of contact. Hopefully you open these messages and read them. I'd really like forgiveness, but that will come with time... if I deserve it. I won't even blame my friend for writing that cruel message, even if I didn't agree with it. I still sent it. I still finished the rest of it. I'm taking all the blame. I'm so, so very sorry for that... And at the same time... when your sister tried being you, I knew for a fact in the back of my mind that it wasn't you. I don't know why I was still so angry... And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I hate saying "I" and "me" all the time. I'm not saying "I still love you" or anything. I'm saying I still care. And I don't want you to push away your girlfriend, the way you said in your message. Good lord, that's the last thing you or she needs. But hey... Instead of thinking about getting a nice girlfriend to replace something you thought was so great and perfect, try setting up your future so you have something to be happy about and fall back onto when something doesn't go your way. There's other ways of being happy without having a girlfriend. NOT saying like "Hey, you should dump her!" Nooooo not even close to that. I'm saying that if something happens, the way it happened to me, fall back onto something you can be proud of, so you can remind yourself that you don't need anyone to be happy. Sure, it's nice to have someone, but what if that doesn't happen? Those people who have been single all their lives? Sure, half of them are unhappy, but those that are happy, maybe you should ask them. What makes them so confident and proud? What makes them so admirable and charming? What makes them SO **** grateful to be alive and not depressed and lonely? But I'm prolly preaching to the choir, huh? And not one bit, not even a hint, am I upset that you might have gotten over me. I'm actually glad. Relieved in fact, that you can do so much as get over something so painful as this without someone like me. You don't need someone to help you, you're strong enough to do it yourself. You're smart enough, kind enough, and when it comes to it, you can be an **** to get what you want to accomplish. But that's what you need to do. Like the saying goes... "Nice people finish last."
But hey... I'm proud of you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------1/24/12 Me to her
Well last time was your apology so heres mine since my text was pretty
bland to say the least. you know all that **** i said was a lie and it
was only said out of hurt. im sorry if it hurt your feeling
(desi+feeling? xD jk) you should think alittle more about what you
say. when you know someones still attempting to get over you, even if
they say its okay, you dont go on bla bla blaing about how good your
new guy is. what that was was simply heartless and i hated you for it.
honestly im still mixed and dont know exactly what i think about you.
you knew how pissed off and how much it effected me when you had been
with 1 guy and then you discribed how the new guy ****ed you? thats
cold even for you. and i say that as a joke with sting. your psyco
just to let you know. im not asking forgiveness. im just saying sorry
because i made the mistake of being goaded into the game. i have 1
question though and i probabally dont want to know the answer but i
have to know. during your senior year you always said you went to
( Continued/Fail lol )
****. im on my cell and it has a limit so i had to make a new message
and idk where i left off so ill restart: in senior year you always
told me you went to a "gay cody's" house. and you told me some of the
stuff you did (which btw deeply disterbed me even though i didnt tell
you anout it because i didnt wanna be overbearing) but anyway is he
the same cody aas bf cody now? Its my b-day so you gotta answer bish
T-T
-------------------------------------------------------------------1/26/2012 Me to her
Sorry about that. You know how i get at 2am. Anyway i'm tired of thinking of you as the enemy and im tired of waisting my life (I still can't spell but you'll have to deal with that fact). Just like you it seems we both say stupid stuff when were mad... ****.. always copying my swag. On another note thanks for being so... i cant think of a word that says what i want to say without making you sound like a horribe person truth is i was and may still be weak. I leaned to much on you and when you left my whole world crashed down. Kiss that sweet bod, those perfect Grades and that smile that you could never stay mad at all gone. Honestly before we were together i was just starting to date people and i was still naive and sophomoric. I guess thats what people mean by the innocents of youth ( i had alittle laugh at that ) Poit being is that i wasnt ready to fall in love and face losing it. Since we left it off so terribly i guess i could remind you what it really was. I really did love you i thought we would be together forever. i wont go into detail because the depression of my loss of you clouded the past and i wouldent be able to give you a perfect answer. all i know is that you were my first love and in some ways even today you still affect me. **** i told u to get outta my head ast time.
Also have you noticed we've never said anything bad to eachother lol. **** Emotionless Text messages.>.