Author Message

KuromuDokuro

Rank 0
KuromuDokuro
Joined
23 Oct 2009
Posts
3
Location
Namimori Japan
PostedJan 02, 2010 4:01 am

The Adventures of a Jelly Rabbit

The life of a certain Jelly Rabbit on Siwa Island unfolds.
So, this is something I've decided to work on to enhance my writing abilities.
Yes, the spacing might be weird, sentences might be odd, and all that. Feel free to point it out to me, I'd appreciate it. I'll just be posting some things here and there every so often, so I'll be sure to link you to the post/page. =3

------------------------------

It was a bright. sunny day on Siwa Island.

As the sunlight seeped through the holes in the tattered makeshift curtains, the Jelly Rabbits slowly began to wake up. Moving about in the cramped, hollow, pine tree that they called their home, the preparations for the day had begun.

Chef Jelly Rabbit had already started to make breakfast. He glanced at the supply of food near him, and sighed. Another shortage of food, eh? Oh well... Grabbing a grey bag labled, "Deer Meat" he took out an amount that would be enough to fill 5 rabbits. Deciding it was a bit too much after seeing what was left in the bag, he stuffed some back in and put the grey bag back. He placed the cutting board on the huge, flat, grey rock and took out a knife. Moving to the cooking fire, he grabbed the water bucket and poured it's contents into the pot above the fire. Moving on to something else so as not to waste time, he moved back to the 'counter'.

Using his utmost concentration, he swiftly cubed the meat, and placed it in a wooden bowl. He then returned to the food supply, and looked around for what he wanted. After finding what he wanted, he returned and began to cook the meat. Moving back, he slowly placed the brown bag filled with 'Crushed Bark' on the counter. He opened a different bag, filled with tools and whatnot, and took out a small wooden hammer. Pouring the Crushed Bark into a deep, wooden plate, Chef Jelly Rabbit began to hammer the bark. After it had became something similar to flour, he was content. Later, someone bounced into the kitchen area. His assistant had woken up. Jalla peered at what Chef Jelly was doing, and knew instantly. She looked towards him, who gave her a nod. Humming a tune to herself, she grabbed the plate and worked on it.

------------------------------

Hmm, I'll end it at about here. I can't think of anything else. D= (Except making it into a diary-type of thing, but maybe not.)
What do you think of it so far? Constructive Criticism, mean comments, whatever, they're loved around here. ;3 Haha.

Also, if you think I should give up, delete this and go practise somewhere else, feel free to say so out loud. 'Cause I wonder how you would write it out.
Advertisement

H4ppy3m0

Rank 0
H4ppy3m0
Joined
29 Jan 2010
Posts
11
Location
United States
PostedJan 31, 2010 12:23 am
That was quite cute, and your a fine writer from what I see. I really enjoyed your descriptions,I like to read about how a place or things look. I hope there is more to the story later if you plan to add on? The ending has me a bit curious, I hope you can think of more.

I noticed while reading that when you said that he took out a knife, and then went to grab a bucket, I couldn't help imagining the knife still in his hand, haha. I wasn't sure if that's what you intended, or maybe I was over reading.

One more part was
"looked around for what he wanted. After finding what he wanted..."

To me, the two "wanteds" make an akwardness in the flow right there.

Perhaps you could say
"He then returned to the food supply to search for (another item, or something else, whatever you could put). After finding what he wanted..."

Maybe like that? Thanks for putting this up. Very Cute, keep up the good work!

xtoxicbunnyx

Rank 0
xtoxicbunnyx
Joined
24 Dec 2010
Posts
8
Location
United States
PostedApr 12, 2011 6:53 pm
I agree with happy on the repeating. try not to do it too often because it will become predictable and too list like where readers will just skim instead of spending thier time to read and enjoy the book!

i think for the next part have a small disaster, one thats of course fixable, like being out of spices and the food being blan and having one the little jellys be all "for my friends, and the sake of our taste buds i will go in search for spices and for our bellys i will also find more food!" then goes out and trys to carry on his quest, and maybe somewhere along the way he bumps into some goblins that want to gobble him up and all the sudden a sprite and a loyal companion ( such as a zerk, pally, sage etc. XD i couldnt think what to classify them as!) and this person happens to adore Jelly Rabbits and ends up helping him and later on helping him in the story!

Invader_RAGE

Rank 0
Invader_RAGE
Joined
08 May 2011
Posts
20
Location
Lincoln United States
PostedJul 25, 2011 10:46 pm
I really enjoyed this story. it makes me feel bad to kill the jelly rabbits!

Sakura10Sands

Rank 0
Sakura10Sands
Joined
30 Dec 2009
Posts
110
Location
Mexico
PostedSep 17, 2012 9:19 pm
i love jelly wabbits nice story Razz

Display posts from previous:   Sort by: