Author Message


Rank 0
01 Jan 2010
Arad Romania
PostedJan 01, 2010 1:18 am

Pax et Nyx


“I do not have a God complex. I could be a God, but for this to happen, I must accept the help of the real God. It's there for everyone, regardless of gender, religion or ancestry, known by over 9000 names, the one entity that created all, whose existence every religion attests to. Some call this devoid of gender entity Yahweh, others Jehovah, Adonai, *****, Budhha, some refuse to name him, but most men - simply God. Kid, I gave up everything that you might think normal, my life is now in his hands.”

“If you're so great, then why didn’t you stop this!“

“Hey, it’s your fault, you know, you started it. I told you its checkmate, haven't I? “

“I, I was just curious... to see the way you’re thinking... reacting. They were just a bunch of little tests…!”

“You've never considered you can lose your friends because of this “

“You know that none of my friends are real. I mean…they all betray you!”

“…and for this you risk the friendship of the people who are not like that…”

“I've never had one single friend who wasn’t like that, how should I have known? …one single person who wouldn't freak out if I spoke of what I really believe…”

“This is why you're running away? From everyone? From your friends?“

“Haven’t you heard what I said? Why is it my fault?“

“You did a lot of bad things… and my wish was to end them.”

“You underestimate me still…”

“Underestimate, you? With?”


“This was a test, you know.”

“Look… I played dumb and talked a lot of nonsense - there's only one person I can trust. You know nothing."

“I told you something to make it seem important, to see whether or not I could even trust you, which, it turned out, I couldn't. I've mended my mistake since then, but the price for you little game was your brother. Now tell me, why exactly is this my fault?“

“You already know my answer...“


"Our bond, I think it's for the best that we break it. But before I go, promise me one thing, promise me that…

Chapter I: The End

It was around then that I started realizing something had to change, but at that time I had no idea what that should be. For some reason, it was the first time I actually gave a **** about what happened, brooding over what he said over and over again, hoping I could perhaps understand why it turned out like it did. I felt blind, I couldn’t see through his words. I thought if I were to meet someone like me, who could simulate a similar situation to what happened, I could finally understand it.

The answer was, of course, obvious, in retrospect. What irked me was that I didn’t even know his name, but without his words, I'd probably be just as ignorant as the rest of them. He was the one who opened the first door to my path, had me walk it… but I could have turned back anytime I wanted. I didn’t.

Suddenly there was a voice, pulling me out of my broodings, a stranger's, yet achingly familiar. I couldn't make out the words, though. The world started to fade away, but I didn't notice…all my thoughts, feelings, memories, words…my past…everything. They faded away. Warmth started creeping up around and in me… I opened my eyes. Blinked. Blinked again. A body made of light, undefined and vague, was holding me.

“Wake up..." said the voice again

A strange feeling filled me, not unlike fear, but that wasn't it, I didn't know what it was - towards the strangely shaped beacon around me... as it felt right. The moment felt immensely important, like a game was about to start, one I wasn't sure I wanted to play. But then it passed, and, whatever it was, if it was anything at all, whether it was significant or not, Hard, I'll just play. My eyes focused on the light again, that now seemed less blindingly bright. It seemed to be drifting in and out of form and reality. For a second it crystallized into an almost solid shape - a small child.

“Finally, you’re awake!” the light said, a happy and innocent voice.

“I am? Why was I sleeping? Where am I? Who am I?“

I got mad at the light, surely it had to be its fault! It wasn't, it was just trying to help, but I didn't know that then. I wanted to run away, away from the warm glow, but as I looked around... it was just an empty endless void staring back at me.

Me and that light, we were the only beings in existence.

"Just what in the world are you?" I asked again, still freaked out by the certainty of being utterly alone with - this. It smiled innocently, but didn't reply, and I was getting the impression that I should know the answer.

After taking a closer look of my surroundings, I have realized that my body was floating into the middle of a black void, while the child was holding me into what I considered it was his arms. Nothing made sense. I seemed to be floating in some sort of black void, with the thing standing near me, near enough that I was sure there ought to be some sort of body heat; the light of the specter was cold. I tried to scoot away, but the movement was slow and sluggish. I saw the child's grin widening just before my vision went blurry and a spasm through my stomach made me double over in pain. This sensation - pain fatigue confusion thirst- I've felt it before- when, after working on some complicated draining magic. I jumped forward and latched onto the child and didn't even feel its tiny (corporeal) arms latch around me as I pulled the light into me. Its arms tightened around me, I dug my fingers into his shoulders.

“God, I'm like a friggin' vampire.”

“What in the world are you? “ I asked with a curious voice

“I am you, and you are me and who is the stupidest of the two of us?“ the light replied, with the same happy and innocent voice from before. I realized I was floating in the middle of a big gaping void, but that thought didn't alarm for some reason.

"**** reason," the kid said, still smiling innocently up to her. It took a second for my mind to wrap itself around the fact the squirt so casually said the f word, but - I couldn't muster up surprise. Distantly I thought this was too **** odd, like I wasn't me anymore, my reactions are like this, but…

I just felt - still. Serene. Like during a nice deep meditation, floating in the waters of oblivion, the whole universe stretching around with me in the center and every potentiality open, overflowing with emptiness, with calm - in my center of stillness.

I giggled. It felt right. The thought felt right, it might be true, why not?

"That's the spirit!" the child said laughing lightly. "This is a place where you can be you, you as you truly are, not the shell of hormones and chemic reactions. The you who is unbound and free and infinitely beautiful."

I laughed and twirled us both around and felt that this wasn't usually my reaction, but that didn't matter.

“I bet you have a lot of questions for me, right, right?" It said after letting go floating into a cross legged position at eyelevel in front of me. The ****-eating grin that he wore was mirrored in face, I just knew it. "I am your spark, your inner child. I know it sounds stupid, but you are my ego, the creature which was influenced and evolved due to the outside world. I have just energy… I have just two types of energies, those of a female and those of a male, but more of a female, than of a male, that’s why you like guys, because they usually have more of a male energy, and need some of the female’s energy, that of course, if they’re not Happy. You’re a bit bored, aren’t you? Still, I bet you’re even more hyper than I am. What’s your current name, by the way? Do you like ice cream? “

"So you're a she? Heee, now I have a pronoun to refer to you in my head!" My head lolled to the side and I raised a finger to my lips. "You're cute. I'm cute!"

“You're funny, my surface self," she replied laughing and her laugh sounded like hundred little drops of water splashing playfully. "You know, you can tell me anything, I mean, I’m the only one you can truly trust, I love you, and I kinda prolly already know. No need to be afraid of me. If you want to tell me something, just go ahead, I’ll totally listen. “


It's as if someone had turned off a light, poof, the world when blackity black. Black, which was her cat's fur's color, she remembered vaguely, and black was also the color of her keyboard when she was playing games with friends online. Someone pressed a button and where was the ctrl-alt-delete? She didn't like this program.

She said so. Nobody replied. She called the kid. Girl. Sparky. No, sparky was a dog's name, woof woof, sparky was nothing like a dog, more like a cat, like the one that led Alice into the rabbit hole

White rabbits had red eyes. She wanted a spark of color - credendo vides! That was what the movie said! She crewed her eyes shut and mumbled credendo, credendo, credendo while imagining a cute rabbit with furry ears and a bushy tail, nipping happily on a carrot and winking at her 'follow me, follow me, not-Alice'. There was a dull sound like something heavy falling on something soft, but it was so distant - she opened her eyes, still dark.

Too **** dark. "Sparky, sparky!" she called and her voice came out so small and helpless that she wondered whether it was even hers. "Sparky!" she tried louder and stretched out her hand, batting away at the tight darkness.

Her extended hand was rotting. She screamed and grabbed the arm, scratching away at the skin that peeled easily and into the pink muscle but no blood was flowing. She looked at it and saw little white wriggly worms and she violently pulled her other palm away and screamed. It itched. She could feel something wriggling on her bones and she looked down and both her legs were missing, just bloody stumps and curdling blood and…

When she came her to her senses again she was lying on a soft surface in what seemed a darkened room. Her room.

She looked at her arm. It was fine - she breathed a sigh of relief at the sight. So it really had been just a bad dream. Unconsciously she started scratching the skin again; when she caught herself doing it, she decided a shower was in order.

Just a dream. Dreams aren't real.

Her pajamas soaked through with sweat made her wrinkle her nose. The LED screen blinked 2:13. Yes, a shower was a good idea. As she pulled down the cover she couldn't help glancing at her legs and wriggled her toes. Good. The faint smell of incense from Beltane still stuck to the room, comforting her, reminding her that she wasn't alone and wasn't unprotected. She stood up, slipped on her white bunny slippers (and shuddered at the reminder of the dream) and walked softly, so as to not make any noise; the slippers had a soft bottom, and that helped muffle it. She hoped the spray of water wouldn't be too loud.

Touching the handle of the door, she saw her hand white and shaking. Dreams aren't real, she repeated. They aren't. Breathing in deeply she pulled the door open.

"Are you sure they aren't real?" a distorted glowing face asked.

She collapsed.


It sure was unexpected of Mau to wake up completely tied up into the middle of an unknown place. Her immobilized body was lying on the cold concrete road, or should I say onto the ruins of what might once have been one. Ruins, yes ruins, they were all over the place, as if one incredibly powerful earthquake just came and turned this place from a possibly extremely beautiful and civilized town into a creepy, post apocalyptic one. Something was definitely not right.



Chapter I is not finished yet. Either :3


Rank 3
31 Dec 2008
Florida United States
PostedJan 01, 2010 6:51 am
Finish chapter one by editing, not posting, please.

Critique Reserved


Rank 0
01 Jan 2010
Arad Romania
PostedJan 01, 2010 9:15 am
I don't know when I'm going to finish it, and I would want a bit of a feedback to know what to modify, if there is anything. Smile

The wind is my strenght.


Rank 0
07 Apr 2009
United States
PostedJan 15, 2010 1:55 pm
Hey Smile Idk if you're still looking for some feedback...but here it is Razz I've seen your thread a few times but never have to time to reply Razz first impression is confusion.
I really am lost when i read the first few italicized lines and the rest of the story is very hard to visualize.
I like to be able to read things and see it forming in my mind like a movie scene. You could spend a little more time describing the scenery/setting.
Also, I feel that bad language isn't necessary but that is my opinion. Some people don't mind it, but on here, all we see is stars. Razz
There are quite a few grammar errors and punctuation issues. I also noticed that at times you write with big words and other times it seems like you write using rudimentary language and writing skills.
Try to stay away from simple sentences and using conjunctions. I personally do not like using conjunctions because it's the easy way around the english language. We have many better words to use than the normal or common ones.
I like to make use of a thesaurus. Razz It's become like a best friend to me. lol

Additionally, try to stay away from "blocking" your paragraphs. Example:

It sure was unexpected of Mau to wake up completely tied up into the middle of an unknown place. Her immobilized body was lying on the cold concrete road, or should I say onto the ruins of what might once have been one. Ruins, yes ruins, they were all over the place, as if one incredibly powerful earthquake just came and turned this place from a possibly extremely beautiful and civilized town into a creepy, post apocalyptic one. Something was definitely not right.

When they are blocked up like this, it is hard to read and understand what you are trying to convey.
Try pressing enter after every sentence and then adding an extra space when switching to a different train of thought or focal point.
For good examples of this, you could visit the story I am editing called Restoration.
It's only a few levels down from your thread.

Well, I hope that helped! Smile Sorry if it sounds too...harsh. I was trying not to sound harsh. lol
It's a good start. Try finishing the first chapter then repost it. Also, running some grammar checks is a good way to start too.
I like to print out my stories and hand write my edits.

Anyways, good luck and keep up the good work Smile

<3 Lana

ps. I'm headed off to work, so i'm in a big rush...I may edit this later to help you further understand what I mean Razz

<br> Check out my DeviantArt page!
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