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wiedzmah

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wiedzmah
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PostedMar 28, 2013 8:18 am   Last edited by wiedzmah on Mar 29, 2013 4:19 pm. Edited 1 time in total

Kill mercy within

chapter # ...innumbered
... Rain drops were rainbowly coloured, and highly contaminated as well : radiation, toxicity, infection, plain dirt of various hues and colours. Even this doomed Earth have seen kinder rains, but even nastiest and deadliest of them won't bother this commander holding his wounded right hand not for purpose just ... reflectively because of pain. Even his wound wasn't tend him as affected as it were his sight which he was struggling to believe in.
He fell to his knees speechlessly. Soundlessly crying out but still looking at what he never would be prepared to see, as he thought before struggling to this very occasion. His precious jewel, beloved possession - entrusted to him Arkana laid cold dead just in front of him, but not only dead - as long as her only clothing was cyberskin which had been violently ripped apart, leaving her naked and deeply injured - (several of which was death sufficient) by outnumbering enemies - 5 to 1 precisely (in safer ancient times it called at least : unfair). But even this factor hasn't stopped her from engaging a sure suicidal fight with seasoned Arkanas escorting captive commander to only "Tories Commitee" really knew where and for what cause ( here I give you some explainations of this idiom - it means that nobody living possess this knowledge despite the fact of its existence, and at the same time under "Tories" he meant Royal Guard Arkanas which was escorting him that moment as a prisoner so it was kinda casuistry). Anyway she was so furious and so fearless and nevertheless so skilled in a clash, so she forced the team to fear for their own lives not only their task accomplishment, thus ensuring her own death little beyond "permanent" or even "guaranteed" terms...
And even after they realized her suicidal intentions to destroy their very lives, she added more by the idea " if I cannot eat I'll bite everywhere around" or better to say : "I'm satisfied to die the most violent way, But be sure will take as much of you with me to the Hard as my luck or skil or both allow me to !" The results was far from none,nearly admirable despite the failure fact : Walker laid barely consious and heavily wounded several times, undoubtedly afraid Medic were patching her up trying to soothe her shivering self at the same time - she bled decently too, regretfull sight of a Sentinel was to her former "Stiletto" TK-6 Mk3 - one of her two will never shoot again - direct impact of "Guillotine" GL-10 Mk7 rendered it to useless scrap forever while the Sentinel should thank her equipment for saving her life that time - nice bruises and black eye exist, only the two remaining : Whipper and Punisher were just catching their breath - they sustaned only several scratches made them far less ambitious or self-conceitive, but very prepared for a real combat...
- Thank you, Mother, she was alone, - breathed out the Punisher
- She wasn't !! - captive Commander stood up with suspiciously hiding healthy arm behind his back. Anyone could tell he's freaking out mindlessly that bare moment.
- Sir, I understood that you were her commander, but for now - it's over, nothing holds you to rebels anymore, and I can see it now how high my commander valued your skills and for ... - she interrupted immediately when upon reaching Commander found his handgun stuck inbetween her breasts.
- Risky provocation, Commander , - but she's not reacted - the Walker was the one who reacted imminently - like a shadow she pulled herself from behind the Punisher and same time made a handgrip and violently twisted his palm in a manner pushing Commander to fall to his knees and drop the pistol , she stood up above him in succession:
- I won't made such stupid movement at your place, Co... - splash of a blood on the Commander's face interrupted her as well as, woke him from his temporary madness. Being in heavily restrained position Commander saw only how the enormously big (and achingly familiar! ) double sided blade penetrated the body of merely recovered Walker - now she was drop dead hanging from that sword. Same surprise shown everybody else : Punisher was nearest and jumped from sudden frightening occasion. Still holding the corpse on a Guillotine model sword - Arkana showed herself causiously from behind the sudden cover. She was naked and in near worse condition then her most recent victim - thus terrifying even more...

story is based on but not follows the game plot, this is only one chapter out of several ready one's(sorry for my english)
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WarriorWomenFTW

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PostedMar 29, 2013 6:59 am
A little hard to follow because of how it was written, but i can see great potential in this! It looks like a deep story about the attachment between a commander and his arkana. With a bit of editing, this seems like it could be quite a serious read! <3

"The day you was born shall Wash AWAY the Flames, leaving EILE safe to celebrate." ~Self Hint

wiedzmah

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wiedzmah
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PostedMar 29, 2013 4:10 pm
WarriorWomenFTW wrote:
A little hard to follow because of how it was written, but i can see great potential in this! It looks like a deep story about the attachment between a commander and his arkana. With a bit of editing, this seems like it could be quite a serious read! <3  

thanks, that was my very goal - I presume I can post other chapters ?

WarriorWomenFTW

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PostedMar 29, 2013 4:11 pm
Of course! No one is going to stop you, friend.^^ I would love to see the next chapter. <3

"The day you was born shall Wash AWAY the Flames, leaving EILE safe to celebrate." ~Self Hint

wiedzmah

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wiedzmah
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PostedMar 29, 2013 4:20 pm
WarriorWomenFTW wrote:
Of course! No one is going to stop you, friend.^^ I would love to see the next chapter. <3  

btw I'm tank too Wink

WarriorWomenFTW

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PostedMar 29, 2013 4:21 pm
Oh, a Defender? Awesome! <3

"The day you was born shall Wash AWAY the Flames, leaving EILE safe to celebrate." ~Self Hint

ckdragonck

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PostedMar 29, 2013 6:08 pm
Honestly, I couldn't follow any of this. I couldn't even fix the grammar. Sorry to be harsh, but it's absolutely horrid.

I love reading and writing stories. I really want to read yours since it looks like you put alot of effort into it. I just...can't...understand anything you wrote...

Surprisingly enough, I could read this:





Which means your work is harder to read than that.

michaelxushi

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PostedMar 30, 2013 3:01 am
XD well it's quite hard to read.
But I don't this it's that hard ckdragonck....
Anyways the story is quite nice and I would like to read some more, though it would be nice to have some kind of flashback, as you directly throw us reader into a fight.

With that being said I recommend you to try preview your works. And click enter some more times to separate the lines some more so we get some breathing room.
Oh and also maybe try add those parentheses as authors notes at the end of each chapter. instead of directly in the middle of an sentence.
Additionally also edit your works after submitting it, if you see a better way to space it out or the likes.

wiedzmah

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wiedzmah
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PostedMar 31, 2013 6:24 am
ckdragonck wrote:
Honestly, I couldn't follow any of this. I couldn't even fix the grammar. Sorry to be harsh, but it's absolutely horrid.

I love reading and writing stories. I really want to read yours since it looks like you put alot of effort into it. I just...can't...understand anything you wrote...

Surprisingly enough, I could read this:

Which means your work is harder to read than that.  

I'm sorry for that but you're using english as native while for me it is foreign language, and it makes my task ten times harder than just speak in it. Because I must deliver not only the thoughts behind the story but also maintain the proper form even in prose.

ckdragonck

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PostedMar 31, 2013 9:18 am
wiedzmah wrote:
ckdragonck wrote:
Honestly, I couldn't follow any of this. I couldn't even fix the grammar. Sorry to be harsh, but it's absolutely horrid.

I love reading and writing stories. I really want to read yours since it looks like you put alot of effort into it. I just...can't...understand anything you wrote...

Surprisingly enough, I could read this:

Which means your work is harder to read than that.  

I'm sorry for that but you're using english as native while for me it is foreign language, and it makes my task ten times harder than just speak in it. Because I must deliver not only the thoughts behind the story but also maintain the proper form even in prose.  


I understand that. But failure creates success. We're telling you this so that you'll go back and do what you can to edit your work. The more you do so, the better your English writing will become.

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just being blunt. That's just how I am. Razz
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