Yea, I have quite a few tips for you.
- Try to record with Fraps or Dxtory. (I assume you recorded it with F9?) Fraps/Dxtory makes you able to play with 60+ fps and record with 30. Makes everything more smooth and easier watchable. It's a bit annoying to see a laggy recording.
- Try to make more streaks, obviously.
- Try to make more headshots. Bodyshots are a bit lame to watch.
- Apply a color correction or something, it makes it look alot nicer.
- Don't use the effect at 0:55
Other than that, I like seeing someone being creative. Keep it up. ^^
Basically covered everything. S3xy , you have to keep practicing also do not over edit. Look at Oboo's, Nyle's, iPervers's, Retros for some ideas. People here are more negative than actually helping you, I am a bit disappointed. It may not have been good, but it is your first video and also you are still learning.