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raikoohero

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raikoohero
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229
Location
The Shadow World........ United States
PostedNov 07, 2012 7:06 pm

Dai the Paladin Part 4&5

Destiny?

Dai was walking down a path to Siwa Village when a swarm of Laughing Crabs surrounded him. "Oh no you don't!" shouted a voice. Dai quickly turned around. Running down the road was a blond haired kid holding a staff. He drew a symbol in the air and blasted balls of fire at the Laughing Crabs. The Laughing Crabs disappeared and the blond haired kid walked up to Dai. "I'm ArcanePegasu. You can call me ArcanePegasus. I'm gonna train to become a Wizard. How about you?" he said. "I'm Dai and I'm going to become a Paladin." said Dai. "Do you mind if we teamed up? There are bandits along the road to Siwa Village." said ArcanePegasus. Dai nodded. Suddenly 20 people jumped out of the bushes with knives and guns. "Drop all of your loot, we're robbing you!" shouted one of the Bandits. Dai sighed. But before Dai could take out his sword, ArcanePegasus drew a circle on the ground and stuck his staff in the middle. A fireball flew in all direction hitting all the bandits. ArcanePegasus bent over gasping for breath. "Tired... Ran out of Mana..." he gasped. The bandits stood up and ran away yelping. Dai opened his bag and grabbed 3 Ether Potions and held it to ArcanePegasus's mouth. "Recover. You've done a great job. I never knew you were that good." said Dai. He lifted ArcanePegasus on his back and walked to Siwa Village.
"Oh my. Are you two alright?" shouted a Guard. "Don't worry about me ArcanePegasus needs medical attention." said Dai.
3 Days Later.
"Well, I'm off to Ilya Dai. Hope I meet you again. Good luck on reaching Paladin." said ArcanePegasus. "Wait. Before you leave. Do you want to join my guild? It's called CrystalArcXV. I'm the leader." said Dai. ArcanePegasus nodded. ArcanePegasus boarded the ship. As the ship left the harbor, Dai waved goodbye to ArcanePegasus. "Well your buddy isn't here anymore, we'll settle this now." said a familiar voice behind him. Dai drew his sword and turned around. The Bandits surrounded him with no escape. Dai stepped back onto the dock. The swarm of the Bandits stepped forward. Dai held his sword and calmly took a battle stance. Chibisuke appeared next to him. "Master, I'm getting a evil aura around them. I don't like the means of this." he said. In a single swoop, the first line of bandits went sprawling to the ground. The swarm advanced. Suddenly Dai's iris changed to Purple. He started to swing his sword and the swarm of the bandits fell. Dai vanished from the dock and reappeared behind the entire swarm. Then he stabbed forward and all of the bandits flew right into the bay. Spluttering water out the Bandits swam away shaking their fists. Dai's iris returned to normal. "Master, is there something wrong? Your iris changed color." asked Chibisuke. Dai shook his head. "I felt peaceful inside. It felt weird though, it was like I was someone else. The power was incredible." he replied. "Wait! You forgot something!" shouted a voice. Sage Bamaba came running. "Here. Grand Fantasia. The book. You'll need it on your journey." he said. Sage Bamaba gazed at the sprite's eyes and instantly understood. "So, Dai. It seems you have found your true talent. Your ancestors were great warriors. During battle experience from them transfers to you and you gain true strength. I assume you met ArcanePegasus? That troubling boy. He comes from a line of famous Wizards but the history is disastrous, you may say." said Sage Bamaba. He waved him off. "Since there is no boats at the moment, I'll get you to your destination." He clapped his hands three times and Dai was instantly teleported to Blue Bay. Bamaba gazed at the horizon and the sun was setting. "He is the one. The one to bring peace to Sapheal. The one to end it all." he whispered. Bamaba turned to leave.

Dai LV 56 Paladin Bodor <CrystalArcXV> Ad finem temporis! To the end of time! Everybody relates to others and shares something with them. That's why we can never truly be free.That's what makes us feel joy, sadness and love.
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raikoohero

Rank 1
raikoohero
Joined
20 Dec 2009
Posts
229
Location
The Shadow World........ United States
PostedNov 07, 2012 7:35 pm

Part 5

Part 5
Intense Training
Dai arrived at Farrow's Wharf. Chibisuke was sleeping as he gazed at the Sprite Gem. "Musta been a long journey here huh?" said the Navigator. Dai went into the town. There was kids sitting around a bonfire laughing and joking around. "Hi you must be new here. Can you help me? I'll be dead if the manager finds out I lost the key to the boat." said the Captain. "Sure, I'm glad to help." said Dai. "One of those thieving Jelly Rabbits stole the key from me." said the Captain. Dai walked off into the farmlands. A Jelly Rabbit jumped from behind a bush. It hopped off into the hills. Dai ran after it. He soon discovered there wasn't just one. There was over a million Jelly Rabbits hopping around. "This will take a long time." he said. Chibisuke appeared next to him. "Master, I sense that evil aura again. It's very close to us." he said. Dai looked down from the hill. A Jelly Rabbit with a key in its mouth was hopping off to the Outpost in the far distance. "Oh no you don't" shouted Dai. And in that moment he felt like someone was guiding him attack with the sword. An arc of wind swooped through the land and the monsters and animals in its path suddenly was cut in half and fell to the ground. "That's amazing power, Master." said the sprite. Dai went to pick up the key. But before he could pick it up the Captain walked over and picked it up. "Thanks kid. I'll do you a favor. I'll bring you to Deserted Island. It's a hidden place and there are monsters worth killing there. You can make yourself stronger." he said. A hour later, Dai found himself standing on the island in awe at the pretty sight. "Well, well. It's been a long time since the island has a visitor." said a old man. "I'm told there is a strong monster living here?" asked Dai. "Yes, yes you mean Sonny the evil crab. First come over to my cottage, where we can properly talk." said the old man. Before Dai could ask his name the old man left. Crabs crawled over the rocky surface and clipped at Dai's shoes. "Great. Such a welcoming place." said Dai. After a few exterminations Dai went to the cottage. "Sonny has been here for a long time. He is the source of all these crabs. You can lure him out with this crab meat. If you can kill him, I'll be willing row you back." he said. Dai walked found an altar. Blood was all over the place and crab parts were all over the place. Dai took out the Crab Meat and dropped it on the floor and hid behind a rock wall. Sonny crawled out of the ocean his pincers trying to grab the crab meat. "You're dead meat now." said Dai. Dai tried to cut the crab in half but there wasn't even a single dent. "Master, try this new sword that I crafted." said Chibisuke. He grunted and threw up the new sword. The sword was black and shiny. (Yay for shiny) Dai jumped and sliced the Crab's shell and the shell broke in half. "Great job! I knew you could do it. Now would you like to return?" said the old man. "But I still don't know your name." he said. "No need, my name isn't of importance to you." said the old man. Dai sat in the boat and the old man rowed the boat back to Blue Bay. Dai went off to the outpost. "Hold it! No entry. You seem really really weak. Fight me to enter." said a guard at the entrance. Dai sighed. He took out his sword. The guard pulled out his sword. The guard jumped and tried to slash at Dai's ribs. Dai closed his eyes and effortlessly blocked it. The guard jumped back and started shooting arrows at Dai. Dai dodged all of the arrows. The guard grunted in frustration. Dai slashed once at the guard and the guard was immediately taken off guard. "That was some impressive attack there youngster." he said. "Go on pass. You've earned it." Dai walked into the outpost. He kept walking to the door. He pushed open the door and walked into a grassy plains. Wild deer and sunbirds walked around eating grass. Dai was walking towards Kaslow but a bunch of wolves started chasing him. Dai started running faster. He ran inside Kaslow and sat down in the central center. "Welcome to Kaslow." said the lady next to the door. Dai nodded. Soon night fell.

Dai LV 56 Paladin Bodor <CrystalArcXV> Ad finem temporis! To the end of time! Everybody relates to others and shares something with them. That's why we can never truly be free.That's what makes us feel joy, sadness and love.

LordRapthorne

Rank 5
LordRapthorne
Joined
26 Apr 2010
Posts
4050
Location
United Kingdom
PostedNov 07, 2012 7:47 pm
Not a bad story, but your sentence structure, layout and punctuation could do with a lot of improvement.

Note this is not an attack on you, but rather constructive criticism to allow you to appeal to a wider audience with your writing.

Generally speaking most people that look at a huge block of text like that will be immediately turned off. It's all mashed together rather than separated in to sequenced paragraphs. Paragraphing makes long, continuous text easier on the eyes of reader.

You also have a large number of run on sentences that could be easily broken up in to several smaller, easier to digest, sentences.


TL;DR: Story: Good, Grammar and sentence structure: Needs a lot of improvement

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raikoohero

Rank 1
raikoohero
Joined
20 Dec 2009
Posts
229
Location
The Shadow World........ United States
PostedNov 07, 2012 7:51 pm
LordRapthorne wrote:
Not a bad story, but your sentence structure, layout and punctuation could do with a lot of improvement.

Note this is not an attack on you, but rather constructive criticism to allow you to appeal to a wider audience with your writing.

Generally speaking most people that look at a huge block of text like that will be immediately turned off. It's all mashed together rather than separated in to sequenced paragraphs. Paragraphing makes long, continuous text easier on the eyes of reader.

You also have a large number of run on sentences that could be easily broken up in to several smaller, easier to digest, sentences.


TL;DR: Story: Good, Grammar and sentence structure: Needs a lot of improvement  

Thanks Very Happy I tried spacing it in the edit thing but it won't move. >.> stubborn paragraph

Dai LV 56 Paladin Bodor <CrystalArcXV> Ad finem temporis! To the end of time! Everybody relates to others and shares something with them. That's why we can never truly be free.That's what makes us feel joy, sadness and love.

Elmindred

Rank 0
Elmindred
Joined
11 Oct 2012
Posts
67
Location
Kaslow United States
PostedNov 08, 2012 8:36 am
Im looking forward to reading part 6 Smile

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