Your mic was a bit low. I had my volume turned up and could still barely hear you. Nobody likes watching 3rd POV in SF, and you need to work on not kind of rambling on about nothing too important. Like try to make things seem more exciting than they are without getting too loud/annoying.
Kind of like commentating like Tastosis did at SFWC 2012.
Just some ways I think you can improve, other than that it's pretty good. Just keep doing it and you'll get better.