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Alt_Reaper321

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Alt_Reaper321
Joined
23 Nov 2011
Posts
2326
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EveryWhere United States
PostedMay 16, 2012 5:58 pm

Red&Reapers Pre-Improv Story: Post Comments Here

Post for Comments
Here is the official Comments for Our Improv Story.
Plz Tell us how u feel and give tips on how to improve.
Story is HERE

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RedCaesarX

Rank 2
RedCaesarX
Joined
17 Jan 2012
Posts
698
Location
Ponyville, Equestria United Kingdom
PostedMay 16, 2012 6:21 pm
20 guys with a sniper? pff that's nothing.
In WW2 there was this captain and he had to cover his squad.
he was out of bullets so he used his pistol.
hidden in a tree the Japanese didn't know hat hit em.

later his squad came back to find his dead body in the tree.
there was also 7 dead Japanese with bullet holes in the head.
This was real as well

Eeyup its comin along though

Alt_Reaper321

Rank 4
Alt_Reaper321
Joined
23 Nov 2011
Posts
2326
Location
EveryWhere United States
PostedMay 16, 2012 6:28 pm
RedCaesarX wrote:
20 guys with a sniper? pff that's nothing.
In WW2 there was this captain and he had to cover his squad.
he was out of bullets so he used his pistol.
hidden in a tree the Japanese didn't know hat hit em.

later his squad came back to find his dead body in the tree.
there was also 7 dead Japanese with bullet holes in the head.
This was real as well

Eeyup its comin along though  

lol but i was alone ;D for 5 days

thabaoss2

Rank 0
thabaoss2
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30 Apr 2012
Posts
106
Location
Pörtom Finland
PostedMay 16, 2012 6:48 pm
haha Very Happy

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RedCaesarX

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RedCaesarX
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17 Jan 2012
Posts
698
Location
Ponyville, Equestria United Kingdom
PostedMay 16, 2012 9:15 pm
We'll have to improve the speed, I write my story parts like 1 per day.

germanproz

Rank 5
germanproz
Joined
19 Mar 2010
Posts
4209
Location
Freiburg Germany
PostedMay 16, 2012 9:44 pm
You seem to have good concepts and ideas for the story, but I think you have a LOT of work to do.

From what I've read, you're a burst typer. You sit down at the computer for 30 minutes, let your fingers fly, and immediately pump out a 20 lined "story" without bothering to proof-read it.

Hoestly, that makes your stories seem much less appealing, as if they were written by a 12 year old, and very unprofessional.

Some suggestions I've got would be to:

1. Proofread. (Check for "tense" errors, and that you're using the proper words)
2. Plan. ( Have ideas.)
3. Time. (Give yourself more time. Writing should be the best you have to offer when you're looking for critiques.)
4. SLOW DOWN. (Like I said before, it seems like every "Chapter" you do is something my 8 year old brother would read out of one of his action books. Definetely not something that your average highschooler would consider worth the read.)

I see promise as far as ideas and storylines go, but I think you're not taking writing seriously or carefully as you should...

Alt_Reaper321

Rank 4
Alt_Reaper321
Joined
23 Nov 2011
Posts
2326
Location
EveryWhere United States
PostedMay 17, 2012 12:47 pm
germanproz wrote:
You seem to have good concepts and ideas for the story, but I think you have a LOT of work to do.

From what I've read, you're a burst typer. You sit down at the computer for 30 minutes, let your fingers fly, and immediately pump out a 20 lined "story" without bothering to proof-read it.

Hoestly, that makes your stories seem much less appealing, as if they were written by a 12 year old, and very unprofessional.

Some suggestions I've got would be to:

1. Proofread. (Check for "tense" errors, and that you're using the proper words)
2. Plan. ( Have ideas.)
3. Time. (Give yourself more time. Writing should be the best you have to offer when you're looking for critiques.)
4. SLOW DOWN. (Like I said before, it seems like every "Chapter" you do is something my 8 year old brother would read out of one of his action books. Definetely not something that your average highschooler would consider worth the read.)

I see promise as far as ideas and storylines go, but I think you're not taking writing seriously or carefully as you should...  


yea it was burst but i did this as preview. im a little hurt D: but i did ask for improvements. maybe it should be a full story instead of improv. i can start it off with me and red separated by combat and continue on from there. then red can do his side of story and i do mine? idk ill have to consult with red.

Dubblew

Rank 4
Dubblew
Joined
29 Feb 2012
Posts
2446
Location
In Portugal
PostedMay 17, 2012 1:22 pm
Alt_Reaper321 wrote:
germanproz wrote:
You seem to have good concepts and ideas for the story, but I think you have a LOT of work to do.

From what I've read, you're a burst typer. You sit down at the computer for 30 minutes, let your fingers fly, and immediately pump out a 20 lined "story" without bothering to proof-read it.

Hoestly, that makes your stories seem much less appealing, as if they were written by a 12 year old, and very unprofessional.

Some suggestions I've got would be to:

1. Proofread. (Check for "tense" errors, and that you're using the proper words)
2. Plan. ( Have ideas.)
3. Time. (Give yourself more time. Writing should be the best you have to offer when you're looking for critiques.)
4. SLOW DOWN. (Like I said before, it seems like every "Chapter" you do is something my 8 year old brother would read out of one of his action books. Definetely not something that your average highschooler would consider worth the read.)

I see promise as far as ideas and storylines go, but I think you're not taking writing seriously or carefully as you should...  


yea it was burst but i did this as preview. im a little hurt D: but i did ask for improvements. maybe it should be a full story instead of improv. i can start it off with me and red separated by combat and continue on from there. then red can do his side of story and i do mine? idk ill have to consult with red.  
Critics hurt most of the times, they don't mean to be directed to a person, but directed to what that person is doing, I enjoyed reading germanproz's critic, you should improve like he said, make a plan for everything you'll write and after making the plan, you improve your text with more suitable words depending on who's going to read it.

germanproz

Rank 5
germanproz
Joined
19 Mar 2010
Posts
4209
Location
Freiburg Germany
PostedMay 17, 2012 8:29 pm
Dubblew wrote:
Alt_Reaper321 wrote:
germanproz wrote:
You seem to have good concepts and ideas for the story, but I think you have a LOT of work to do.

From what I've read, you're a burst typer. You sit down at the computer for 30 minutes, let your fingers fly, and immediately pump out a 20 lined "story" without bothering to proof-read it.

Hoestly, that makes your stories seem much less appealing, as if they were written by a 12 year old, and very unprofessional.

Some suggestions I've got would be to:

1. Proofread. (Check for "tense" errors, and that you're using the proper words)
2. Plan. ( Have ideas.)
3. Time. (Give yourself more time. Writing should be the best you have to offer when you're looking for critiques.)
4. SLOW DOWN. (Like I said before, it seems like every "Chapter" you do is something my 8 year old brother would read out of one of his action books. Definetely not something that your average highschooler would consider worth the read.)

I see promise as far as ideas and storylines go, but I think you're not taking writing seriously or carefully as you should...  


yea it was burst but i did this as preview. im a little hurt D: but i did ask for improvements. maybe it should be a full story instead of improv. i can start it off with me and red separated by combat and continue on from there. then red can do his side of story and i do mine? idk ill have to consult with red.  
Critics hurt most of the times, they don't mean to be directed to a person, but directed to what that person is doing, I enjoyed reading germanproz's critic, you should improve like he said, make a plan for everything you'll write and after making the plan, you improve your text with more suitable words depending on who's going to read it.  


Sorry if I did go a little harsh Alt, haha. I know my writing could use far more improvement too. Also, I look forward to more work from you as you continue to grow. =D See you around here, we need more writers.

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