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Valkarey

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Valkarey
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PostedJul 11, 2011 6:54 pm   Last edited by Valkarey on Jul 11, 2011 10:37 pm. Edited 2 times in total

Order of the Templar Knights {Remake} {Story}

The story is remade, Alot of action is now in, along with a prologue
Prologue
Its the year 590, There are 5 different Nations that rule the continent. The Templar Order, The United forces of Gibril, The Nation of Uniboros, The Kingdom of Ruruno, and the Vex Empire. Currently the Templar Order and The UFG are in an on-going War due to boarder difficulties. The Templar Order has a heavy amount of Military Power, making them a primary target for other nations that may have dreams to take over the continent. The Templar people have always considered themselves to be guardians of the continent of Abira. During these troubled times, Angel and Demon weapons were forged from a new found rare metal, Arcium. The metal is said to be the strongest possible on the earth, granted to the humans by the gods in the heavens themselves. Angel and Demon weapons can have huge impacts on battles. The Templar Order now collect these weapons, and give them to their vassals. Saito, a young lord of the Templar Order, trained for four years to become what he is now, a weapon to protect what he holds close. At age thirteen, his family is murdered by his older brother, Margrant. Saito was out with his friends on that dreadful day. Saito was found by a passing army of Templars, led by Lord Heroment and his wife, Lady Natasha. Since that day, they have been like Saito's parents.
Nobody knows why Margrant murdered his parents, it could have been out of jealousy, for they always put Saito first. Margrant had plenty of friends, he was popular at school, however, him and Saito shared no resemblance. People came to wonder about why, but no matter how much they tried, they could never figure out why.

Chapter 1 - He's alive
Swords clash together all over the burning Village, houses fall apart from fires. Peasants run for their lives, attempting to escape the burning battle between the Templar Order, and the Gibril military. The village is made up of a total of 42 houses, a manor, a market, and a Granary. Much of this is already burned to the ground, without a trace that it was there. Saito, a young Templar lord fights to protect his people amidst this chaos. His loyal men fall by his side, by the heavily red armored Gibril soldiers. "Hold the line men, protect the people!" yells a Templar Captain. He is charged by two Gibril soldiers, who swing their swords as though they are unaware of their surroundings. The captain side steps the first swing, the slashes the first Gibril soldier. He falls to the ground, dead. The captain sees the second attack coming, but is too late in dodging it, he is clipped on his left shoulder. The captain is quick to counter-attack, he does a horizontal slash, finishing off the second soldier. The captain attempts to rally the Templar soldiers, however, he doesn't get too far. A sword flies through the captain's chest, then is pulled out. The captain turns around to see a man in heavy red armor, the man has silver hair with a scar over his left eye, his eye colors are red. He appears to be fairly young, almost as young as his lord. The captain coughs a puddle of blood up, then falls to the ground, lifeless.

Saito swings his sword as hard as possible, finishing off a Gibril soldier attempting to harm a child. Saito orders his men to evacuate the villagers to a safer place. He stops fighting, to take a look around. All he sees is death, destruction. Templars and Gibril clash everywhere. There are non-ending sword sounds. He notices a dead girl with a spear stuck in her heart, who is laying beside a tree that is aflame.Her hair color is crimson, She wears poor peasant clothing with no shoes. Saito begins to sweat, he fears, being this close to fire and fighting non-stop is hard on his young body, However, Saito can't give up. He knows this, giving up means the death of all these people, an option he will not take. "Soldiers of Templar, Fight! Protect our people, we mustn't let them fall to the hands of these cowards!" yells Saito. Saito looks around, he sees something move to his left, it catches his attention. He turns to look, to see the young man who killed the captain. The young man is walking towards Saito with his bloody longsword. The metal is black, and the handle resembles a demon sword. Saito is struck with fear, not just because the man has a demon sword, an ancient relic forgotten by time, but because the man walking towards him...is his older brother.

"It's been four years, brother." Says the man. Saito appears to be getting very tense. Behind the man stands twenty Gibril soldiers, with their weapons out. They hold spears, swords and shields, pikes and maces. Unaware that the fighting is over behind Saito, he continues to stare at his brother, who smiles in triumph. Templar soldiers now gather around Saito, worried about their lord. The men wear black robes with a cross on their black, and a sword through that cross. Under the robes are white armor. They are heavily equipped. "Your supposed to be dead, Margrant!" yells Saito, Terrified. Margrant is still smiling, he lets out a chuckle. "I only led you to believe that, foolish little brother. I joined up with the Gibril army when I heard rumors of "Lord Saito" the hero Templar. I decided to see what you have been doing all these years. I only see now that you are fighting these battles, with the life I decided to spare." Enraged by that last statement, Saito enters a sword stance. His sword is held beside his head, with both of his hands. The Templars behind Saito enter their stances as well, prepared to fight to the death. "I'll make you regret what you've done to our parents and sister." Says Saito. Margrant has a smirk on his face. "Templars, attack!" yells Saito. "Knights, attack!" Yells Margrant. Both sides clash in a flood of swords. Saito charges Margrant, Margrant is still wearing his smirk. Saito swings his sword in cross shape, Margrant parries his attacks with ease. Saito continues to attack nonstop, his hate is growing. Margrant laughs as he blocks Saito's attacks. Saito, out of breath, steps back to rethink his plan. Margrant notices an opening and rushes Saito. Saito raises his sword in defense, but is too late, Saito's Blue blade with the white hilt goes flying out of his hands. Margrant strikes a second time, slashing Saito with his sword. Saito falls down, holding his chest. Margrant walking up slowly, laughing at how powerless his brother is. Three Templars notice their Lord in this predicament and rush to his aid. They charge Margrant, Margrant back steps, then slices all three at the same time. They fall to the ground lifeless. Margrant's smile turns to a frown. "Brother, I'll spare you and your people. In return, you will grow stronger and provide me with a better fight next time we meet. Till next time, Saito." Margrant gives the signal for his men to retreat, the Gibril army falls backs, leaving death and destruction.

Chapter 2 - Saito's past

"Mother, Can I go out with Garn and the others?" ask Saito. His mother continues to fix sew, She sits in a old wooden rocking chair. Her hair is brown, it goes all the way down to her shoulders. She has brown eyes, and is wearing a peasant dress. "Yes dear, but please be back by dinner time. You know how your father gets when you are out late." Says his mother. "Yes mama" Says Saito, with a smile.

Saito twist and turns in his sleep, unaware that he is dreaming of the past. His wounds are causing him a great sickness. The village was saved due to Saito's heroic actions, however, many brave souls were lost. Saito is now being taken care of by Yuki, a friend he met when he was in training to be a Templar Knight. Yuki has blond hair, her hair is straight and stretches down to her shoulders. She has a few hair veins over here face. She is usually calm a kind. She wears a Templar cloak and a dress underneath.

"Hey guys, do you wanna play knight?" Ask Saito. Him and his 3 friends, Garn, Jin, and Vota sit in a circle. "No way, we all know you practice with your older brother every day. Is it true he was trained by a real Templar Knight?" Ask Vota. "Yup, Our friend Kain trained brother himself, brother is really strong." Brags Saito, happily. "Alright, I'll play if you teach me a few moves." Says Garn. Saito nods happily, he has never actually taught anybody how to fight. He thinks that this is a chance for him to become stronger, to perhaps catch up to his brother.

"Alright guys, I have to get home now. Momma is making stew for dinner tonight." Brags Saito, Happily. "Alright, thanks alot Saito, we learned alot. We'll see ya tomorrow, right?" Ask Jin. "Of course." Says Saito. Saito and his friends wave goodbye, and all head home. Saito walks back to his house eagerly. He has lived in a medium sized house since he was born, it has 3 rooms, 1 kitchen a bathroom, and a living room. The house is one story. They live in a small forest area, surrounded by many trees. Saito crosses the bridge inside the forest, over the small creek. He remembers playing there with his older brother, they even caught a fish and brought it home for dinner. Saito opens the door to the house, but lets out a scream.On the floor is his mother, in a river of blood, she has a huge slash mark on her back. It appears she tried to run. "Mother!" screams Saito. Its too late, his mother is dead. Saito looks around the room, observing what happened. There is the fireplace, infront of it is the rocking chair, the sofa, a rug, the small table where they played their games and ate their meals. Saito notices slash marks on the walls. It appears a small fight, these are made from swords. Saito then hears noises of sword clangs, in the kitchen. He runs down the hall but stops in the middle . His sister, Maylan, lay dead. She was stabbed several times. She had short brown hair with yellow eyes. She was wearing a peasant skirt. "Maylan!" Screams Saito. The fighting continues down the hallway, furious, Saito runs into the Kitchen only to see his father fighting his brother. His father has short brown hair with brown eyes, he has a beard around his mouth. He wears noble clothing. His brother knocks the sword out of his fathers hand, it lands infront of Saito. His father turns around and reaches for the sword, before his head is disconnected from his body. "Father! Brother, what have you done!" Screams Saito, furious. "Calm down Saito, it'll all be over soon." Says Margrant, with an evil grin. Saito picks up his father's sword and runs after Margrant, he is too angry to think properly. He swings once, only to miss Margrant and hit a lantern, the lantern falls then the Kitchen catches on fire. Saito doesn't care, all he can think about is killing his only brother. Margrant blocks Saito's attack, but a wound he got from his father on his sword arm causes him to lose power, Saito uses the chance to slash Margrant on the face. There is a wound over Margrant's eyes. Margrant howls with pain. The house now starts to fall apart, a pillar lands infront of Saito and Margrant before Saito can finish him off. Knowing this, Saito grabs food, the little coin his family had, a Jeweled necklace, and his father's sword Saito runs out of the houses, crying. The tears won't stop coming, he doesn't understand why.

Two days later, Saito is sitting on the main road. Footsteps can be heard approaching. Saito looks up to see forty men, Templars he presumed due to the cloaks they wore, being led by a middle aged man. The man had Short brown hair, a small braid in the back. He had a sword at his side, and wore the same cloak. Under the cloak, he wore Nobleman's clothing. The man raises his hand, which signals his men to halt. They stop infront of Saito, what a pitiful sight he must've been. "Boy, Were investigating what happened to a manor inside a forest not to far from here. Do you know anything?" Ask the man. Saito looks up, the man notices despair, hate, and fear in his eyes. "Momma, Father, and Maylan...Their dead..." says Saito, trying to hold the tears back. "Did you live in the manor?" Ask the man. Saito nods slowly. "What happened?" Ask the man again. "Margrant killed them...we fought and I killed Margrant..or rather the house did..." Says Saito. "Tell me the whole story" Says the man. From that point, Saito tells the man what happened a few days ago, he tells him about his family, about Margrant. "I see." Says the man. The man stays silent for a minute, as if thinking of a solution. "I got it. How about you come with me. I'm Lord Heroment, a Templar Lord. Come with me, I'll train you. You will become stronger then your brother, you will have the power to save hundreds of lives." Says Heroment. Saito stays quiet for a few minutes, wondering what to do. Perhaps, next time, he could save someone. Saito looks up, then nods. "Hop on my horse, we have a long way to travel. We head to my home, Orinto Fort. A grand home it is. You will be welcomed. The training for becoming a Templar Knight is harsh, but after hearing what you've gone through, I have faith." Says Heroment, Smiling. Saito smiles for the first time in days. He gets his things, then mounts on top of the horse. They head for Orinto Keep.

End of Chapter 2

I am well aware I have made Many mistakes, this however is only a draft I ask you all to post your comments like you did last time, I am proud of this work, I feel I have done alot better with the help I received from you all last time, thanks!
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Tab.

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PostedJul 11, 2011 7:18 pm
Hm... What happens next ? It was just getting good....

Valkarey

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PostedJul 11, 2011 7:29 pm
Tab. wrote:
Hm... What happens next ? It was just getting good....  

Chapter 2 will be out by tonight

Tab.

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PostedJul 11, 2011 7:35 pm
Ah.. ok, well in the mean time I'll be working on some more guild stuffs. Take as much time as you need.

Valkarey

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PostedJul 11, 2011 7:41 pm
How was this version?

Tab.

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PostedJul 11, 2011 7:53 pm
Valkarey wrote:
How was this version?  


Quite more entertaining actually. I really enjoyed the action scenes of the manuscript compared to the first attempt. I will say that most of the time, a few moments in the story such as "Behind the man stands twenty Gibril soldiers, with their weapons out." seemed pretty plane.
The choice of words didn't have much fire as if you could have tried something more like,

"Behind the man stands the flickering shadows of over twenty Gibril soldiers, with their weapons at bay."

Hmm thought that it'd be nice to give the affect of the burning towns flame to affect the appearance of all those soldiers... As well as make Margrant more bloody Hard stricken with a force like that behind him.

"Weapons out" felt boring so, "Weapons at bay" felt more like they're all pointed to you.

hmm that's about it with my 2cents really, it's still quite a good story plot.

Valkarey

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PostedJul 11, 2011 8:30 pm

Chapter 2 is out
Chapter 2 - Saito's past

"Mother, Can I go out with Garn and the others?" ask Saito. His mother continues to fix sew, She sits in a old wooden rocking chair. Her hair is brown, it goes all the way down to her shoulders. She has brown eyes, and is wearing a peasant dress. "Yes dear, but please be back by dinner time. You know how your father gets when you are out late." Says his mother. "Yes mama" Says Saito, with a smile.

Saito twist and turns in his sleep, unaware that he is dreaming of the past. His wounds are causing him a great sickness. The village was saved due to Saito's heroic actions, however, many brave souls were lost. Saito is now being taken care of by Yuki, a friend he met when he was in training to be a Templar Knight. Yuki has blond hair, her hair is straight and stretches down to her shoulders. She has a few hair veins over here face. She is usually calm a kind. She wears a Templar cloak and a dress underneath.

"Hey guys, do you wanna play knight?" Ask Saito. Him and his 3 friends, Garn, Jin, and Vota sit in a circle. "No way, we all know you practice with your older brother every day. Is it true he was trained by a real Templar Knight?" Ask Vota. "Yup, Our friend Kain trained brother himself, brother is really strong." Brags Saito, happily. "Alright, I'll play if you teach me a few moves." Says Garn. Saito nods happily, he has never actually taught anybody how to fight. He thinks that this is a chance for him to become stronger, to perhaps catch up to his brother.

"Alright guys, I have to get home now. Momma is making stew for dinner tonight." Brags Saito, Happily. "Alright, thanks alot Saito, we learned alot. We'll see ya tomorrow, right?" Ask Jin. "Of course." Says Saito. Saito and his friends wave goodbye, and all head home. Saito walks back to his house eagerly. He has lived in a medium sized house since he was born, it has 3 rooms, 1 kitchen a bathroom, and a living room. The house is one story. They live in a small forest area, surrounded by many trees. Saito crosses the bridge inside the forest, over the small creek. He remembers playing there with his older brother, they even caught a fish and brought it home for dinner. Saito opens the door to the house, but lets out a scream.On the floor is his mother, in a river of blood, she has a huge slash mark on her back. It appears she tried to run. "Mother!" screams Saito. Its too late, his mother is dead. Saito looks around the room, observing what happened. There is the fireplace, infront of it is the rocking chair, the sofa, a rug, the small table where they played their games and ate their meals. Saito notices slash marks on the walls. It appears a small fight, these are made from swords. Saito then hears noises of sword clangs, in the kitchen. He runs down the hall but stops in the middle . His sister, Maylan, lay dead. She was stabbed several times. She had short brown hair with yellow eyes. She was wearing a peasant skirt. "Maylan!" Screams Saito. The fighting continues down the hallway, furious, Saito runs into the Kitchen only to see his father fighting his brother. His father has short brown hair with brown eyes, he has a beard around his mouth. He wears noble clothing. His brother knocks the sword out of his fathers hand, it lands infront of Saito. His father turns around and reaches for the sword, before his head is disconnected from his body. "Father! Brother, what have you done!" Screams Saito, furious. "Calm down Saito, it'll all be over soon." Says Margrant, with an evil grin. Saito picks up his father's sword and runs after Margrant, he is too angry to think properly. He swings once, only to miss Margrant and hit a lantern, the lantern falls then the Kitchen catches on fire. Saito doesn't care, all he can think about is killing his only brother. Margrant blocks Saito's attack, but a wound he got from his father on his sword arm causes him to lose power, Saito uses the chance to slash Margrant on the face. There is a wound over Margrant's eyes. Margrant howls with pain. The house now starts to fall apart, a pillar lands infront of Saito and Margrant before Saito can finish him off. Knowing this, Saito grabs food, the little coin his family had, a Jeweled necklace, and his father's sword Saito runs out of the houses, crying. The tears won't stop coming, he doesn't understand why.

Two days later, Saito is sitting on the main road. Footsteps can be heard approaching. Saito looks up to see forty men, Templars he presumed due to the cloaks they wore, being led by a middle aged man. The man had Short brown hair, a small braid in the back. He had a sword at his side, and wore the same cloak. Under the cloak, he wore Nobleman's clothing. The man raises his hand, which signals his men to halt. They stop infront of Saito, what a pitiful sight he must've been. "Boy, Were investigating what happened to a manor inside a forest not to far from here. Do you know anything?" Ask the man. Saito looks up, the man notices despair, hate, and fear in his eyes. "Momma, Father, and Maylan...Their dead..." says Saito, trying to hold the tears back. "Did you live in the manor?" Ask the man. Saito nods slowly. "What happened?" Ask the man again. "Margrant killed them...we fought and I killed Margrant..or rather the house did..." Says Saito. "Tell me the whole story" Says the man. From that point, Saito tells the man what happened a few days ago, he tells him about his family, about Margrant. "I see." Says the man. The man stays silent for a minute, as if thinking of a solution. "I got it. How about you come with me. I'm Lord Heroment, a Templar Lord. Come with me, I'll train you. You will become stronger then your brother, you will have the power to save hundreds of lives." Says Heroment. Saito stays quiet for a few minutes, wondering what to do. Perhaps, next time, he could save someone. Saito looks up, then nods. "Hop on my horse, we have a long way to travel. We head to my home, Orinto Fort. A grand home it is. You will be welcomed. The training for becoming a Templar Knight is harsh, but after hearing what you've gone through, I have faith." Says Heroment, Smiling. Saito smiles for the first time in days. He gets his things, then mounts on top of the horse. They head for Orinto Keep.

End of Chapter 2

Valkarey

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PostedJul 11, 2011 11:55 pm
Chapter 3

Saito wakes up slowly to the sound of birds chirping. He opens his eyes to see he is inside a tent. There is a table, his cot, his suit of Armor and Robe. He rises up from the bed slowly, only to be stopped by the pain burning in his chest. He looks down to see his upper chest part is wrapped in a swarm of white bandages, blood is surfacing due to him moving. "Ow ow ow" moans Saito. The memories of yesterday flood into his mind. He sees himself fight Margrant, he sees the girl dead with the spear stuck inside of her, he sees the burning village. Tears slowly form in Saito's eyes, if any other Templar saw him in this state, they'd consider him weak. He mustn't cry. Saito slowly gets out of bed. He wears nobleman's pants. He walks over to his suit of armor, then takes his pants off. He then slowly, but painfully, puts his armor back on, then his robe. He then walks to the door, but doesn't make even three steps before falling to his knees and holding his chest. He can feel the blood coming up, be will stay strong however. It's his job.

Saito opens up the tent's flap, then walks outside into the bright sunlight. He takes a look around, they are in the village. There are military tents set up all over the place. Guards stand almost at every corner of the camp. The guards at his tent see Saito, they leave their post and rush to help their lord. "Lord Saito, you are not well. Please, return to your bed." Says one of the Templars. A small crowd seems to be gathering now, the peasants gather around to see their savior, to see the young Templar Lord. "I'll be fine, we must report this attack to the Capital." Says Saito. A Templar walks up to Saito, he appears to be carrying a message. "Lord Saito?" Ask the Templar. "Yes, What is it?" Responds Saito. "Lord, I carry a message from Lord Heroment. He congratulates you on your victory, He request to hear the details of this battle, especially about your brother, Lord. That is all of the message." Says the Templar. He then turns around and leaves.

A man wearing Templar armor approaches Saito, he has the Insignia stating he is a Captain, which is a shield badge. He wears a cape and has no helm. "Well, I see your awake Lord. Your fame spreads quickly. Irriulum Keep reports that the recruits they get are increasing." Says the man. "Tai, how many men do we have left?" Ask Saito. Tai stays silent for a minute as if trying to remember something then he opens his mouth. "We have 43 men left. We lost 37, with 20 men wounded." Saito appears unhappy by the answer. "Alright, Lets go to Orinto Keep. I need to talk with Heroment. Also, I want to give every villager a chance to move to one of our villages, their homes are gone." Says Saito. "Understood, My Lord." Responds Tai.

Three days later -

Saito's army arrives at Orinto Fort. It has a small Palisade wall around it, with wooden spikes sticking out. Behind the wooden wall is a tall stone wall. Soldiers patrol the walls, The fort is like a hexagon, it has 6 towers, in each tower is a catapult. At the gatehouse are a platoon of guards, Standing at attention. Infront of them is Lord Heroment, and his wife Lady Natasha. She has brown eyes, with brown hair. They are both smiling. Saito walks up to Lord Heroment with Tai, and 4 Templars of his own. "Saito! It's good to see you!" Says Heroment, Happily. Saito has a huge Grin on his face, despite his chest burning. "Your exploits have gone up again, Saito. You defended the village from a Gibril attack." Continues Heroment. "No." Responds Saito. "Margrant is alive, and stronger then ever. He wields a demon sword. He is a General in the Gibril army." Continues Saito. Heroment was taken by surprise, he did not expect this news. "This is most grave news, a Gibril possessing a Demon sword of all things. This will cause tremendous damage to our forces. I'll send a messenger to the capital at once." Says Heroment, he turns around and starts talking to one of his troopers. The soldier runs off, then Heroment turns around again. "Well now Saito, I imagine your tired from your trip, and I can see your in pain. Let us go inside, fill our stomachs with food and wines. We will also get medics to attend to your wounded." Says Heroment.

Later that Night

Saito and Heroment chat about the past week, they make their own comments and remarks. Saito sips from a cup of tea while Yuki takes his bandages off and puts a medicine on. She then puts fresh bandages back on. Saito moans every now and then from the pain, but eventually stops. "Well, I guess I'll retire to my quarters, I have much to do." Says Saito. He bids Heroment, Yuki, and Natasha goodnight, then walks to his chamber accompanied by his guards. When they arrive at the room, the two men take positions at the doorway, then stay there for the remainder of the night. Saito enters the room then walks and changes into his Nobleman's clothes. He sits on his bed, then lays down, closing his eyes, Hoping sleep will come quickly tonight. It doesn't, Saito lays on his bed for hours until he hears two thumps at his door. Saito jumps up quickly, then picks up his sheathed sword by his bed, on the headboard. The door flies open, and 4 men in black clothing run in, they wear mask so their identities are a complete secret. They draw the swords at their sides as quick as lighting, Saito Swings at the first assassin, but he dodges, The next one runs up and strikes at Saito, Saito dodges quickly, then counter-attacks, stabbing the man in his left shoulder. The man howls in pain, then falls to the ground. The next three appear to be enraged, they charge Saito at the same time. Saito steps back, but finds himself backed into a wall, then he looks at the door way there are two lines five of Templars with Bows, aimed at the Assassins, Heroment walks in and screams "Saito!" Saito jumps down beside his bed then hears the whistle of arrows hit the flesh on the assassin's backs. He looks up to see three bodies filled with arrows, the stone walls have a few arrows stuck in them as well. Saito gets up and walks to Heroment. "Who are these people?" Ask Saito."Templars." Heroment responds. "Their assassins, sent to kill you. One of the Templar Lords feels you grow too powerful, and due to that fact, you may be next in line to the Templar Throne. They must've sought to eliminate you before you could ascend." Continues Heroment. "Come, lets get you a new room, We will talk more of this tommorow." Finishes Heroment.

End of Chapter 3

Tab.

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PostedJul 12, 2011 7:24 am
Hm.. I hope more people start reading this as well.
have you posted this on your website as well? once the forums get an upgrade they'll probably add in a section for stories.

vampire0016

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PostedJul 12, 2011 10:27 am
lol just as i replied on the other thread i stumbled across this.


Congratulation on the drastic improvement on your storytelling ability. You've done really well in this one compare to your older piece, and Saito's personality really stick together unlike the previous one.

You've included some very interesting scene and some nice character such as Saito's brother Margrant, and you did well showing us their upbringing.

While the change made the whole story looks a lot more like a story, I do feel that there's just a bit too much info dump in there, and while your description skill has improved, I think it would be great for you to start thinking about applying some technique, as well as hone up your dialogue.

I'll give you a few trick and advice I learn from my Professional writing course, but if you wanna learn more attending a course is vital. Here goes:

don't tell us what happens through dialogue. Instead shows.

Eg. "I see." Says the man. The man stays silent for a minute, as if thinking of a solution. "I got it. How about you come with me. I'm Lord Heroment, a Templar Lord. Come with me, I'll train you. You will become stronger then your brother, you will have the power to save hundreds of lives." Says Heroment. Saito stays quiet for a few minutes, wondering what to do. Perhaps, next time, he could save someone. Saito looks up, then nods. "Hop on my horse, we have a long way to travel. We head to my home, Orinto Fort. A grand home it is. You will be welcomed. The training for becoming a Templar Knight is harsh, but after hearing what you've gone through, I have faith." Says Heroment, Smiling. Saito smiles for the first time in days. He gets his things, then mounts on top of the horse. They head for Orinto Keep.


I can see what you're trying to do there, and while i'd say the sentense works for its inteded purpose, it sounds like its carved out of wood. Try and say it outloud, and you'll know what i mean. almost 90% of it are dialogue, and i dont think real people talk like that.

Purposed solution: Keep it short, instead use gesture and story telling to tell the dialogue. I will explain what I did here in order to tell the story better.

Here's my take on this particular scene.


"I see,' the man says; his forehead crumples as if in deep thought. 'What would you like to do then, young man? Have you any place to go?'

comment: this is what I feel the normal response a man would have after running into a boy whos' family has just been killed. And the dialogue sounds a lot less forced, a lot more natural.


Saito shakes his head and feels another urge to cry wells up from within. His house is burnt down, his entire family killed, and as far as relative goes he really couldn't remember anyone who would allow him a place to stay. As far as he is concerned, He is lost.

comment: This is telling the story instead of using dialogue. So overcame with grief, Saito could only nod instead of saying a bunch of things like he's got nowhere else to go blah blah, which would make the context really unnatural. Remember, too much info in a dialogue is called info dump. you don't want that happening too much. .

the man nods curtly. After staring at the young boy long and hard, he finally speaks again. 'I was heading home when I happened across you, perhaps this is meant to be. Come with me to my home. Come with me to Orinto Keep, and I shall take care of you from now on...unless you have other plans?'

comment: this is not the best dialogue in the world, and I daresay you can come up with something better, but for the purpose of demonstration, it will do. You don't need to tell people how the man will become Saito's mentor. With this single sentense, you imply a lot without saying too much. Keep it short, unless your confident that you can write a long paragraph of dialogue without making it sound forced, like in Pride and Prejudice or Lord of the Ring. I wouldn't try it though. I dont think my writing skill can handle that task well. TL;DR, keep it natural is the key.

Saito stays quiet for a few minutes, wondering what to do. He examines the man more closely, and sees that other than his refined appearance, he is in possession of a sword. the man would be a fool to wield it if he doesn't know how to use it.

comment: this bit is written to imply the power and status of the man. By mentioning that he has a refined appearance we know he's someone important. By suggesting his sword we know that he knows how to use arm. You kill two birds with one stone with this sentense. I'm happy to let you use it without me claiming credit Laughing


'If I come with you,' Saito says in a shaky voice. 'will you teach me the way of the sword?'

The man laughed. 'You're a tricky one, aren't you?' he says with a nod. 'Sure. I shall train you until you can no longer stand. If you work hard, who knows? you might just become a templar Lord.'

Comment: Another sentence which kills two birds with one stone. You want your audience to know that Saito could become a templar lord? check. You want your audience to know the training's gonna be hard? Check. Basically, it did the same thing your sentense did, but it sounds a lot less animated. feel free to use it.

Templar lord? This is something Saito has never considered before. Perhaps in becoming one, he could have to power to protect those he loved. perhaps, next time, in the face of tyranny and evil, he could save a thousand man.Saito smiles for the first time in days, and together, they ride towards Orinto Keep in silence.

comment: This sentense tells us Saito wishes to wield the power to protect innocent, as well as that templar lords have the ability to save a thousand man. but the overkill isn't this sentense, the over kill is the next one.

It was until much later Saito learned that the man had been Heroment, The templar Lord of Orinto Keep.

comment: this sentense really makes the character heroment seems.... well.... O.P.
We know from before that a templar lord can save a thousand men. We know that this guy, heroment, lives in a keep. We know he has sword fighting skills. All of these added up to one final sent off - we reveal to the reader that he is the Lord of the Keep, as well as a templar Lord. If that doesn't make Heroment sound impressive, I don't know what else will.



AS you can see, I've ranted a lot for this one little scene. But I've demonstrated several techniques within this short exchange, and I think its good if you start thinking about them as well. there are, of course, a lot more technique out there, you can google some of them if you want.

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The things I've written is the sort of stuff you would find in a book. They're obviously not good enough, as I'm still learning myself, but this sort of exchange is what you wound find on a bookshelve.

When you're writing, try to ask yourself, how do I do this better? How can I show, instead of tell? And if I must tell, how can I tell it well?

This will help you improve when you're doing a real version.

If you have any criticism or question about the things I've written, lemme know. I'm always happy to help out a fellow aspiring writer.

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