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Valkarey

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Valkarey
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PostedJul 10, 2011 11:32 pm

Order of the Templar Knights {Story}

A story I thought up, It is long. Please reply and post what you think of it, leave nothing out.
Chapter 1

The rain falls hard from the night sky, 10 men and a boy walk through the city streets, the men in 2 columns behind the boy, 5 to a roll, with the boy at the head. The men are heavily armored, they have white armor on, with a sword at their side. They wear black cloaks, with a Cross outlined in red on the back of the cloak. Through the cross has a red outlined sword. The boy in front has the same black cloak on, but he has Sword insignias on his shoulders, identifying his rank. He has Dark green hair, with Blue eyes. He has an average looking face with no marks. At the boys side is a fierce looking longsword, with a white and blue sheath.

"Company, Halt!" Yells the boy. The whole group stops moving. A small smirk forms on the boy's face, shadows move around the men. "It appears they came to us." Mutters the boy. He looks around real fast, to see men and women in red armor with red swords surrounding him and his group. "So, the Gibril army thinks they can take on a Templar Lord and his men with so few numbers?" Mutters the boy. There is more to these people then meets the eye...thinks the boy.
"By order of the Templar Order, You all are ordered to lay down your weapons and surrender, your lives will be spared." Yells the boy. The people in red army continue to stare. "Why would we surrender to tyrants like the Templar Order?" Says a man in the same red armor, he however, has a Cape. He is also not wearing a helmet, unlike his men.

"Are you their leader?" Ask the boy. The man only smirks. "Who are you to ask?" Ask the Gibril Captain. The boy frowns. "That is not of your concern, I am the one asking the questions here, not you." The captain looks offended by the boy's remark, and draws his sword. "I'll give you one chance, Templar Scum. Leave our country, and then perhaps we will have mercy on your pitiful order." Says the Captain, Licking his tongue across the sharp sides of his longsword. The boy sighs, then a smirks. "Tis a shame, you won't live to see our "pitiful Order" triumph over your pathetic little army." As soon as those words are out of the boy's mouth, the Men behind him draw their swords and charge the Gibril army. The men cut through them like a knife through butter, without an ounce of mercy. The boy charges the captain with his longsword out, the Captain charges back. The pass each other quickly, then both come to a stop. Blood flies from the Captain's body, then the Captain falls to the ground, lifeless. The boy turns around, to see many of his men deadlocked into combat with the Gibril army. There are many sounds of swords hitting each other. Lifeless bodies of Gibril Soldiers lay on the ground, scattered all over the place. Three Gibril soldiers charge the boy, they surround the boy, then charge all at once. They swing their swords down, all at the same time, hoping to hit the boy. The boy back steps, dodging all three of their attacks, then swings his sword left to right, cutting down the two Gibril soldiers on his left and right. The third man stands there terrified by how well the boy preformed that move. By now, the fighting is over, the ten soldiers walk up and see the last Gibril soldier standing. "I surrender...Please have mercy on me..." Says the man, he throws his sword on the ground, then falls to his knees, awaiting the boys response. "You had your chance to surrender..." Mumbles the boy. "I sentence you to immediate execution." Says the boy clearly, the boy then turns around walks off, only to hear the sounds of footsteps charging the man on his knees, then sounds of Swords piercing his flesh.

The boy walks over to the Captain's body, he searches it for any Intel he can find, but finds nothing. A Templar walks up behind the boy then salutes. "Lord Saito, Lord Heroment congratulates you on your victory here today. He request your presence back at Orinto Fort." Says the Templar. "Tell him perhaps I will pay a visit, however, I need to finish my orders. I will come along in a few days." Says the Saito. "Understood, My Lord." Says the Templar, then runs off.

The rain has stopped, and all the bodies have been disposed. Saito and his men march in formation on the road. It has been four days since the battle of Oscar Village, Saito left the village, satisfied that his orders have been completed, marches to Orinto Fort, to meet with Lord Heroment. The fort appears to be like any fort in the middle days, but is very fortified. Saito greats the guards at the gates, him and his men march through them. Hundreds of Templars stare at him, some nodding approval at the young Lord, others shaking their head. Saito and his men make it to the grand hall, where a middle aged man sits at a table, plenty of food is on the table. There are twenty chairs at the table, with only Lord Heroment, and his wife, Lady Natasha sitting down. "Come in, come in!" Says Heroment, in a happy tone. He is smiling. "Your exploits are amazing, Lord Saito. To be crowned a Lord at age Seventeen is remarkable alone. But the number of battles you've won are simply outstanding." Brags Heroment. "It is nothing I haven't been trained for." Says Saito, Smiling as he and his men take a seat to the table. "I have prepared this feast just for you and your trained elites." Says Heroment. "You all must be starving, taking out Fifty Gibril Soldiers, and barley eating anything in between these battles." continues Heroment. Saito and his men are being served food and drinks by now. "We ran out of food, but had plenty of water." Says Saito, sipping from a cup of tea. "If you ran out of food, then why didn't you simply just loot the village. It was a Gibril village anyway." Says Heroment. That comment appears to piss Saito off, He slams his cup of tea back on the saucer, with a bit flowing over the edges. "Are you saying we should bring the innocent people into this war, and ruin their lives? Stealing their food and wine, Slaughtering their cattle and pigs to feed ourselves, when they have done nothing wrong?" Says Saito, his smile has disappeared from his face without a trace. Its as if he had never smile, now he is wearing a frown. "I'm just saying take what you need to survive. They sided with the Gibril Soldiers anyway, they sheltered them, and put a roof over their head. And it wouldn't even really be looting, The village belongs to the Templar Order now." Says Heroment, drinking a glass filled with red wine. Saito then gets up and leaves the room, his men get up and follow. "This is why children shouldn't be made Lords." Says Heroment, talking to Natasha.

Chapter 2

Saito and his men return to Irriulum Keep. Its been 2 days since the feast at Lord Heroment's castle, Orinto Fort. Saito stayed the night in the rooms prepared, then left the next day to his own Castle, Irriulum Keep. Hundreds of Templars are assembled in the courtyard, standing at attention. They wait for their master's return from a successful mission. They all wear his personal Crest on their armor, A shield with a moon at the top, then a small village under the moon.

Saito walks up to the man infront of his formed soldiers in Attention, the man has Silver hair with orange eyes, he wears a cape and no helmet. "Welcome back, My Lord." Says the man. Saito smiles. "Thanks Tai, I trust everything went well in my absence?" Says Saito. Tai replies "Yes Sir, The number of recruits keep increasing, you are becoming a legend to them all, a symbol of hope perhaps for the people of this land." Saito allows himself a chuckle. "I don't believe in hurting innocent people, they do nothing wrong." Says Saito. "And that is what separates you and the other Lords, My Lord." Responds Tai. "Enough talk out here, let the Soldiers return to their post. Me and my men are tired and require rest." Says Saito. "As you command, Sir." Says Tai.

Saito sits in a relaxing chair, inside his Study. He sips from a cup of tea, with the chair positioned infront of a blazing Fire place. At the doorway are two Templar Soldiers in full armor, holding spears and shields, they also have a sword at their side. There is one on each side of the door, they stand guard. A knock comes on the door, then a Tai enters the room. He has a troubled face. "My Lord, I have bad news..." Says Tai. Saito puts his cup of tea back down on the saucer. "What is it, Lieutenant Tai?" Says Saito. "Sir, it seems the Gibril army attacked Orinto Fort. The fort fell five hours ago." Says Tai. "And Lord Heroment?" Ask Saito. "Executed, Sir, along with Lady Natasha. Well, after she was pwned. " Says Tai, in a troubled Tone. Saito lets out a sigh. "And whats this have to do with me?" Ask Saito. "King Tusk has ordered us to reclaim the keep, And execute every single Gibril, all execept their commander." Says Tai. "Very well, Make ready the army.We march to war." Says Saito in an annoyed tone.

End of Chapter 2

Chapter 3 coming soon!


Don't forget to post how the story was, leaving Nothing out.
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vampire0016

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PostedJul 11, 2011 1:04 am
Okay So I read it, and as I've done a few professional editing and writing course I thought I'd give you my two cent about your story. I have no idea how serious you're taking this story but It is my belief that every story deserve a serious review.

First of all, If you're writing a fantasy story, It's always good to start with 1 character, and build from there. That is, one character with glimpse of his life and what he did, and the world your story took place.

In this short story we're introduced a young templar lord named Saito, and while we know that he chose not to loot the village after beating the army, he also executed the enemy after they want to surrender.

This paint a contradictory picture about him. He's somewhat cold, but care enough about the civilians. With two contradictory action such as these two, it'll take a long while to explain the character's motive and personality.

A good way to fix this problem is introducing a little thought process. Tell us why did Saito decide to kill the men when they want to surrender, or tell us his background. (unless you plain on killing him off in the near future, these things are neccessary.)

The description of this piece is a little too short to work in your favour. The first sentense tells us a platoon of templars are walking down the street and it was raining, but what sort of street is it? You've taken a great length into describing what they wear, but not their surroundings, which is kinda strange as we see the soldiers clearly but not where they are.

Compare the two sentense below :

The rain falls hard from the night sky, 10 men and a boy walk through the city streets

The rain falls hard when the ten men - led by a young boy about 17 - walk through the dark city streets in silence, seemly unware of all the red steel lurking in the shadow.

The second sentence clearly tells you a crap tons of informations, as well as building up to the eventual attack of the Gibril army. It also tells you the boy is the ten mens leader, so you wont have to tell the readers about the column and stuff. You could, however mention them " lined up neatly like professionals".

Dumb down the description about cloth:

The men are wearing capes that had a red cross painted on them, but what they're not wearing is the sword insignia upon the shoulder of the boy, which identifies him as a templar lord.

The above sentense dumb down the paragraph, and allow us to jump right into the action.

Check the rest of your writing and try to dumb down the description about cloth, and boring stuff unless they're gonna be terribly important in the future. AKA. back story. Things like Saito's background, the world's view ....

And remember a complex character is told not only through his dialogue - we all know words can be decieving - but through his past, his inner thinking, his fear, his mistake, his interaction with others, and most importantly " his change" through out the story.

I think it is a story that has potential, so good luck with future writing.

Valkarey

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Valkarey
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PostedJul 11, 2011 1:48 am
Thanks alot, you gave me exactly what I asked for. I'll refer to this whenever I decide to type the next chapter which shouldn't be too long, maybe a few days, perhaps. About his past, I've read a few books(I read alot Razz) that, describe the character's past later in the story, such as the case for this, The next chapter of the story will describe how Saito became what he is now, What his motive is, Why he shows no mercy to the enemy after they surrender, a bit about his family, The Templar Order, The world, Why the Templars are fighting Gibril. I'm planning on Chapter 3 to be really long

But, While I was thinking about the story, I thought to myself, Why not make Saito unpredictable? The may be made alot more interesting, up to the point where the readers can't predict what Saito plans on doing in the next paragraph, or pages and such. I personally like a surprises like it in my stories, instead of predicting what the main characters are gonna do.

About how serious I am, I am pretty serious about it. I don't know how to publish books, But I would really like to make a series out of this.

I'm really grateful for this, I know now to add more detail to the surroundings, and leave a bit of it out of the characters.

Thanks alot!

Tab.

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Tab.
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PostedJul 11, 2011 5:45 am
You sure have something nice here, but the analogy with the events and characters don't tell me much about the characters.

Tips on detail.

"At the boys side was a fierce looking long sword, in a white and blue sheath"
Problems with this.
1. You can not see a sword as it's in it's scabbard, reveal it's detail when it's drawn later in the story.
2. The details of the scabbard. were only 2 colors that reveal nothing.



"His long sword sheathed inside a elegant white scabbard, embossed with blue and silver decor by his side."

"Sheath" is really used more commonly with it's verb use as "Sheathe" since a lot of people refer a swords protective casing as a "scabbard."

"Sheathed inside a elegant white scabbard" Reveals it's primary color.
"Embossed with blue and silver decor" Reveals secondary coloring and design.

Using silver since I don't know what kind of metal you'd like, but that will indicate the special metal parts of the scabbard.

1.mouth piece
2.upper hook (if it's a saber it will have a lower hook as well)
3.And then the tip protector.
4. Finally the body but that's usually not made of metal.

Now this is for western scabbards only. Well some what fancy ones really.


... Yeah that's pretty much all I focused on but yeah, work on detail and study up on specific things you want to describe. That helps reveal a finer image in our minds.

Well any how on the side note.*

Online novels are pretty popular these days. Even without publishing a book, your work can be recognized and even be turned into a comic.

*Try referring to 1/2 prince a online novel written by Yu Wo
and Sword art online. by Reki kawahara.

KumoFuzei

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PostedJul 11, 2011 12:54 pm
They have covered a lot so here are spelling and grammar mistakes:

"There is more to these people then meets the eye...thinks the boy."

- The use of the ellipsis is unnecessary.

""By order of the Templar Order, You all are ordered to lay down your weapons and surrender, your lives will be spared.""

- You don't need a capital after the comma.

"He is also not wearing a helmet, unlike his men."

- It's a bit wordy a better way would be:
However, he is not wearing a helmet like his men

"Ask the boy".

- You say ask a few times when asks makes more sense.

"sighs, then a smirks."

- The "a" doesn't make sense.

"pitiful Order"

- Don't need a capital for order

" the Men behind"

- Don't need a capital for men

"the boy preformed that move."

- performed*

"he throws his sword on the ground"

- onto sounds better.

"Swords piercing his flesh."

- swords*

"He request your presence"

- requests* or requested*

"in the middle days"

- I assume you mean middle ages? but it would be better to describe a typical middle age fort, since for them that is the most current time.

"Saito greats the guards"

- greets*

"Seventeen is remarkable"

-seventeen*

"Smiling as he and his men"

-smiling*

"to piss Saito off"

- I assume this is adult but "piss off" isn't a sentence a writer should use really, to anger Saito would have been better.

"Its as if he"

- It's or It is

"had never smile, now he is wearing a frown."

- Never had*
and now*

I may have missed a few things so you may want to double check yourself.

Chapter 2

"2 days"

- Just in general it's better to write numbers, I didn't make this point earlier.

"Saito walks up to the man infront of his formed soldiers in Attention"

- A bit of gibberish, sorta. Saito walks up to the man at the head of his soldiers, who were stood at attention in orderly lines would be better.

"Silver hair"

- silver*

At the doorway are two Templar Soldiers in full armor, holding spears and shields, they also have a sword at their side. There is one on each side of the door, they stand guard."

- A bit confusing and wordy. Plus how would he see if they have to knock to get in? A better way to put it would be "He knew just outside were two soldiers in their full armor, with their spears criss-crossed over the door and their shields prepared.(you don't need to mention they have swords nor that they are on each side and are standing guard, thats usually what guards outside a room do)

"A knock comes on the door, then a Tai enters the room."

- He hears a knock at the door then Tai enter the room*

"Well, after she was pwned"

-This makes no sense maybe something like Well, after she was defiled.

A lot of the mistakes above you repeated and I didn't highlight them so these are more like highlighted examples. It seems you are capital happy, try to learn were to put them or it looks a little silly Smile

Ok, now critiscm?

- I liked the overall story, but it lacked depth and background into the main character and his previous actions/life.

- A lot of it lacked description which can make or break a story

- Chapter two was very short in comparison to chapter one, although this isn't awful and can be a good thing in some cases, I just thought I'd let you know.

- There was a lot of speech for a story focussed on action

- It doesn't introduce the time period until late in the story when it should be set earlier on, in some form

- You described the clothing well

- A lot of your writing was jumpy, as in too wordy or didn't make enough sense until you reread it

- A really good plot and idea but just try use everything everyone has said and I'm sure chapter three will be top notch

Valkarey

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PostedJul 11, 2011 1:50 pm
Thanks Tab, I'll remember that part when I begin typing Chapt. 3.

Personally, Altho I did say I wanted the books published, I'm not really worried about Grammar yet. These are still drafts, I have much editing to do on them. I may just rewrite the whole story to explain more about the characters, the Time period, the factions and more. I'm grateful for your help, but also, About that part where Natasha got pwned, I don't believe I put that there. I put something else, But a Forum Mod must've changed it to pwned Razz. Thanks alot for the help guys, the Story may just be rewritten.

Tab.

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PostedJul 11, 2011 2:22 pm
: Take you're time, I'm just happy I have someone telling me stories to past the time.

Valkarey

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PostedJul 11, 2011 2:32 pm
Yea, I love writing stories like this. Anyway, I'm gonna restart the whole story, I'll be adding more details, Characters, I'll change the personalities of characters, The 1st Chapter will explain about the Time period, Factions, Saito, and much more.

vampire0016

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PostedJul 12, 2011 9:10 am
Keep me updated buddy, send me a pm when its done.

And remember, don't be afraid to tell us the background, but don't dump everything in one go. Thats the key element to writing a great story. I struggle with that myself, and often i found myself wondering what should I include. What is neccessary and what isn't.

Looking forward to new update.

Keep up the good work!

as for publishing, It's better if you start with a few short stories, send them into competitions, and if you get lucky and win a prize you can use them as a reference when you're looking for an agent. Send them your work along with the novel you want them to read, then cross your finger.

Or you can do this other way if you're rich.
Self publish, find a street corner and start advertising your book. Eragon was published into books when the son of an well known author found the writer standing in a corner selling his book. Since then The Inheritance Cycle has become a major hit, even people have criticised the writing as mediocre at best.

Long story short, a lot of luck is involved in the industry these days. But isn't that the same with just about everything else?

Good luck!

azull1214

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PostedJul 14, 2011 12:32 am
i like it Smile it could use a few changes here and there maybe a bit more details but overall its really good Very Happy

thanks foxy :D
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