They have covered a lot so here are spelling and grammar mistakes:
"There is more to these people then meets the eye...thinks the boy."
- The use of the ellipsis is unnecessary.
""By order of the Templar Order, You all are ordered to lay down your weapons and surrender, your lives will be spared.""
- You don't need a capital after the comma.
"He is also not wearing a helmet, unlike his men."
- It's a bit wordy a better way would be:
However, he is not wearing a helmet like his men
"Ask the boy".
- You say ask a few times when asks makes more sense.
"sighs, then a smirks."
- The "a" doesn't make sense.
- Don't need a capital for order
" the Men behind"
- Don't need a capital for men
"the boy preformed that move."
"he throws his sword on the ground"
- onto sounds better.
"Swords piercing his flesh."
"He request your presence"
- requests* or requested*
"in the middle days"
- I assume you mean middle ages? but it would be better to describe a typical middle age fort, since for them that is the most current time.
"Saito greats the guards"
"Seventeen is remarkable"
"Smiling as he and his men"
"to piss Saito off"
- I assume this is adult but "piss off" isn't a sentence a writer should use really, to anger Saito would have been better.
"Its as if he"
- It's or It is
"had never smile, now he is wearing a frown."
- Never had*
I may have missed a few things so you may want to double check yourself.
- Just in general it's better to write numbers, I didn't make this point earlier.
"Saito walks up to the man infront of his formed soldiers in Attention"
- A bit of gibberish, sorta. Saito walks up to the man at the head of his soldiers, who were stood at attention in orderly lines would be better.
At the doorway are two Templar Soldiers in full armor, holding spears and shields, they also have a sword at their side. There is one on each side of the door, they stand guard."
- A bit confusing and wordy. Plus how would he see if they have to knock to get in? A better way to put it would be "He knew just outside were two soldiers in their full armor, with their spears criss-crossed over the door and their shields prepared.(you don't need to mention they have swords nor that they are on each side and are standing guard, thats usually what guards outside a room do)
"A knock comes on the door, then a Tai enters the room."
- He hears a knock at the door then Tai enter the room*
"Well, after she was pwned"
-This makes no sense maybe something like Well, after she was defiled.
A lot of the mistakes above you repeated and I didn't highlight them so these are more like highlighted examples. It seems you are capital happy, try to learn were to put them or it looks a little silly
Ok, now critiscm?
- I liked the overall story, but it lacked depth and background into the main character and his previous actions/life.
- A lot of it lacked description which can make or break a story
- Chapter two was very short in comparison to chapter one, although this isn't awful and can be a good thing in some cases, I just thought I'd let you know.
- There was a lot of speech for a story focussed on action
- It doesn't introduce the time period until late in the story when it should be set earlier on, in some form
- You described the clothing well
- A lot of your writing was jumpy, as in too wordy or didn't make enough sense until you reread it
- A really good plot and idea but just try use everything everyone has said and I'm sure chapter three will be top notch