Author Message

.Fujin

Rank 0
.Fujin
Joined
22 Jan 2011
Posts
49
Location
United States
PostedJun 30, 2011 4:18 pm

The Tale of Cerbera

Intro - An Age of Darkness
If this gets enough positive replies, I'll make chapter 1.

Intro - An Age of Darkness


" Please have mercy! "

The voice was clear, easily recognized. It was an orc, begging for his life. He had just been soundly defeated by what seemed to be a magician wielding a electric guitar. It was odd to see such a large warrior submit to magician, who valued far range magic over melee combat but then again, magicians did not wield guitars while this one did.

It was then that the girl grinned, which was the only thing seen since the large wizard hat blocked the rest of her facial features. She took a step closer to the defeated orc, holding the neck of her unholy looking guitar tightly in her hand. " Is that what you wish? Mercy? Let me tell you something about war.. "

The girl stroked her thumb over the neck of her guitar, taking her steps closer to the orc, who was the only one that saw the violence in her eyes, the murderous glare that she was giving him, it made the large creature fall backwards and trying to crawl away from her.

" There are Five Options in War.. Fight, Defend, Flee, Surrender or Die. "

She brought her guitar infront of it, holding it with both hands now, grazing her fingertips over the strings, not applying enough strength to emit any sort of sound but it was enough for the orc to cower in fear, his weapon had been burned to ash by this girl's magic.

" Please, Have mer-- "

" You have proven inept at the first two, and have now had the temerity to surrender. Death is all you deserve. "

The girl brushed her fingers over the many strings of her guitar, emitting a loud sound which blasted a large wave of pure energy around her, sending the orc flying upon impact and hard against the wall, almost knocking him out. It was then that the girl started to play a unholy tune on her instrument, filling the air above her with crimson clouds, which emitted light as if lightning was striking from within. After a few seconds of guiding the clouds into a increased capacity, a sudden beast jumped out from within, stepping infront of the girl, baring it's teeth at the orc. It seemed like it was a dark red wolf with fire burning upon it's paws and legs, it's tail like a flame whip, lashing out on the ground and burning the grass with ease, It's eyes were bright red, almost unable to contain the fire within. It's fur was bright red, emitting small sparks of fire in the air. Infront of it's row of sharp teeth were two large sabre tooth teeth made out of pure fire, not seeming to injure the wolf at all. The orc could barely see what was going on other then the flicker of fire that came from the wolf. The music coming to a sudden stop, the grin upon the girl widened even further as she spoke those chilling words.

" Eat him. "

The wolf didn't hesitate a moment after the command was given, lunging straight towards the orc and sinking it's fangs within him as the fire burned the skin right off him. The air was now filled with the orc's scream of pain as it was being torn asunder by the might wolf, yet all the girl could do was grin at the sight of it, turning once the wolf was done with it's meal and rejoining it's master, both of them walking off and towards the others that did not enjoy the display this girl had given them.

" Cerbera, please control yourself.. They are the enemy but that doesn't mea-- "

" I don't care. "

The girl was named Cerbera, not allowing the other girl to address her about the action she had taken towards the orc, even the wolf took a snap towards the girl to make her back down while she left the outpost. Now that all the orcs within the outpost were dead, they could leave, but that was not Cerbera's attend just yet, even if there was one alive, the outpost was a nuisance in her eyes, standing infront of the entrance while the others ran out, knowing what she was about to do.

" Ashes to Ashes... "

Cerbera brought her head low, the grin returning while she blasted a loud sound from her guitar, her fingers working around the cloud as they brushed and pressed into the cords, creating a new sound of destruction, waiting to be unleashed. The others watched from a distance again, neither one of them liking Cerbera's way of handling things but she didn't care, she never did care about anything said to her, all she really liked to do was killing and destroying, violence was her answer to life.. An aura of fire surrounded her feet, the initation of a new summon started. With a loud howl did the wolf suddenly disappearing and using it's essence to speed the incantation, which suddenly made Cerbera's hand lift up high and point with a single finger at the sky, a phoenix come from out of nowhere behind her, flying up towards the sky and came to a stop once it had gained enough height, awaiting Cerbera's command.

" BURN IT ALL! "

The Phoenix screamed out it's call, bringing it's wings forward and preparing itself, gathering the inner fire from within it's body and once ready, did it bring it's wings back and it's head forward, opening it's beak and spewing out a large wave of fire directly upon the outpost and when the fire made impact to the ground, it spun around and went into every direction, taking the small tents and wooden fence into it's embrace much like the waves of the sea did with the sand. Accompanied with the amount of fire brought down upon the outpost, came the loud laughter of Cerbera, who watched with pure excitement at the fire that came so close to her but not touching her, lifting her hat up from her eyes so she could marvel at the sight.

It lasted only a few seconds but it was beautiful to watch for those who had no idea what went on before the fire, which remained on the scene of the now unrecognizable outpost. The phoenix let out a loud sound of victory before it flew back down and disappearing into small bubbles of essence, which went directly into Cerbera.

With the mission done, Cerbera turned to walk down the mountain path, saying nothing to the other group members, though the girl who first addressed her, came up to her and next to her.

" Cerbera.. One day, you will snap out of this insanity.. And I'll be there.. "

Cerbera tilted her head to the side, gazing with one bright orange eye at the girl, her pace did not stop.

" Stop living in the past, Zema. I'm not your happiness. "

Cerbera picked up the pace, leaving the girl named Zema behind her with the rest of the group that followed her, not saying a word to her as she squeezed the neck of her guitar, clearly that little conversation was not enjoyable, oh well, Cerbera thought, the next outpost would spark the happiness back within her.
Advertisement

Ja_Nee

Rank 0
Ja_Nee
Joined
21 May 2011
Posts
4
Location
Kentucky United States
PostedJul 02, 2011 3:50 pm
*mentally whistles* Girls like Cerbera are freaking amazing, albeit not right in the head. I like your choice of words. ouo Firey embraces. Hehe. Good job.

Larisha

Rank 0
Joined
15 Jul 2008
Posts
39
Location
Ukiyo United States
PostedJul 02, 2011 8:22 pm
A few small critiques:
a sudden beast - Sudden is an adverb, not an adjective. You can do an action suddenly, but you can't be a sudden person. Do you see what I'm saying?

" There are Five Options in War.. Fight, Defend, Flee, Surrender or Die. " - Capitalizing words in a sentence causes the reader's mental voice to falter, interrupting the flow of the sentence. Try to avoid excessive capitalization to immerse your readers.

She brought her guitar infront of it - It seems in-specific. It took several read-throughs to understand what you meant.

, it's tail like a flame whip, - It's is the contraction "It is", not the possessive form of it. The possessive form of it is simply its. This error occurs several times through-out the story.

two large sabre tooth teeth - This phrase is very...awkward.

the might wolf, - Just a simply typo.

...not Cerbera's attend - I don't understand this.

The others watched from a distance again, neither one of them - Neither implies that there are two, while "the others" implies that there are three or more. This confuses the reader.

With a loud howl did the wolf suddenly disappearing - Disappearing should be disappeared. Disappearing would change the story into a progressive tense, which is difficult to follow.

A general problem that I noticed through-out the introduction was that you create long comma splices. Sentences that continue for too long without proper ending punctuation again separates your reader from the story. The idea is to keep your writing clear and to the point, while adding proper amounts of beauty and grace to your language. Your phrases and diction are wonderful, as are your descriptions. All in all, a pretty good story so far. I'll be watching for more installments of this one.

omnikremlin56

Rank 0
Joined
05 Jul 2011
Posts
2
Location
United States
PostedJul 05, 2011 3:28 pm

story review

This story has great potential! Although, if you want it to be great, then you need to establish who the speaker is. During most of the story, it seemed like the narrator was viewing it from inside the story, yet away from the others. This, however, conflicts with the ending, where we could hear Cerbera's thoughts, creating a first person narrative. If you could just clear that up, maybe add some more detail to the setting and the characters, then you could have an epic story!

zombiegirl88

Rank 0
zombiegirl88
Joined
29 Aug 2011
Posts
23
Location
United States
PostedSep 27, 2011 1:14 am
I think you're doing a great job with the story. I too am working on a story based on my character as well. You're doing great and should continue on, awesome intro btw. XD

GrassPrincess

Rank 0
GrassPrincess
Joined
29 Jun 2012
Posts
8
Location
Meril Town United States
PostedJul 12, 2012 9:50 am
I'm just going through older forums posts, but this is really really good!

GrassPrincess

Rank 0
GrassPrincess
Joined
29 Jun 2012
Posts
8
Location
Meril Town United States
PostedJul 12, 2012 9:53 am
If you don't mind, could I post my story along with yours? Where Cerbera and my charecter meet, because I can see a really good story comming out of that. Very Happy
Display posts from previous:   Sort by: