Warning: the scenes depicted below are the result of excessive sweets, Dynasty Warriors, and lack of sleep. There are some sexist imaging and scenes that may be too shocking for…..well anyone with a great imagination. Reader discretion is advised
Part1. The Good
Part 2. The Weird
Part3. The Horror
Part1. The Good
*Ma Chao and Xu Zhu are sitting behind a table with a mic in front of the two. Both are dressed in casual attire: Ma Chao is in a “Shu Rocks!” T-Shirt with blue jeans and Xu Zhu has on baggy black pants with a black T-shirt that has G.I.R. from Invader Zim on the front.*
Ma Chao: Good afternoon everyone! I am Ma Chao, better known as MC, and we are here in this fine room for the 20th annual Three Kingdoms Free for all Brawl. With me today is Xu Zhu. Zhu, do you have anything to say to the viewers
Xu Zhu: Hi everybody! I like food!
MC: Well said Zhu. Well said. Now we are on to our first match of the day and it is a doozy folks! The ladies of the Three Kingdoms will be wrestling for title of (said in an echo) “Strongest Ladies in the Land!”
Since there are four groups we have decided to team up for a 2v2 match up. Wu & Wei vs. Shu & Other. Now to make it fair we had the ladies remove anything that would give them an advantage and then had to wear standard issue outfits for the match. Oh and here come the teams now in their standard gear!
*Yue Ying, Xing Cai, Bao Sanniang, Diao Chan, Zhu Rong, San Zang, and Nu Wa come walking into view wearing varying red bathing suits while: Zhen Ji, Cai Wenji, Sun Shang Xiang, Da Qiao, Wang Yuanji ,Xi Wang Mu, and Beauty Yu enter from an opposite door wearing varying blue bathing suits. All the ladies do not look happy about it.*
Zhen Ji: What kind of moron came up with this idea? I thought the fight was going to be an actual battle for all of China, or am I assuming that we got tricked for your amusement Ma Chao! *the ladies in blue all agree amongst themselves and start to stare down Ma Chao*
MC: Ladies! Ladies! It isn’t my fault that you all signed the waiver forms for this match. If you would have read the documentation, then you would have noticed everything. Nothing was in fine print. You just didn’t pay attention. But look at the bright side, we made it even matched. Instead of a nine vs five match, it is a seven vs seven fight. That should make you feel better, right? Besides, at least the ring has something that is easy to fight in. We got pudding and it is all chocolate!!! *gets a tap on the shoulder from Xu Zhu* Huh? What is it Zhu?
XZ: Ugh, was that what that giant tub was for? I thought it was a gift from Cao Cao for all the work I did. Sorry Ma Chao, but there is no pudding left.
*Cuts to a flash back of Xu Zhu, Xia Qiao, and a bunch of kids with bowls, spoons and graham crackers around the tub digging in and cleaning the tub out.*
MC: What? You actually ate ALL the pudding? How in the? But you...? Crap! We need a plan and fast. No arena, no match! Think Ma Chao! THINK!!!
*Suddenly Yuan Shao enters the room with a giant hose and plops the end into one side of the empty tub. After he walks out of the room, a flood of grey matter starts to empty from the hose, filling the tube to a certain point. The hose then shuts off and is dragged out of the room. Yuan Shao re-enters*
Yuan Shao: Before you ask, that is mud. It is very expensive mud ladies, so enjoy it! You are welcome and round two will be set up in advance so there will be no more problems. I will see you two *points at Ma Chao and Xu Zhu* in an hour or so! Oh and before I forget! *walks out the room, grabs a robotic camera and sets it up in the corner of the room overlooking the tub, then walks out of the room.*
MC: Ok ladies! Now that our problem is solved, we can start the match. Everyone to your respective sides and into the pit!
Yue Ying: I don’t think so, Ma Chao! We are not going to degrade ourselves for you or anyone else. There isn’t anything in the world that would have us stoop so low as to do this. *ladies in Red agree in unison*
*Xu Zhu taps Ma Chao on the shoulder again*
XZ: Should we tell the ladies that the men will have to do something worse than this? Or should we keep it a surprise?
*All the ladies listen intently*
Diao Chan: What do you mean “Something worse”?
MC: If you do the fight, then you gals can do the announcing and other things while the two of us and the other guys do our thing. We signed onto this in the hopes you ladies will do your stuff. Don’t let us down.
*hears Guan Yu in another room yelling out orders*
Guan Yu: Zhao Yun, you agreed to do it because we asked you nicely. Now follow through and put on that pink two-piece! Man up and shut up, boy!
Xing Cai: Did I just hear the words Zhao Yun, put on, and pink two-piece come out of Guan Yu’s mouth? You know what! I am in for this match. I got to see that! Come one Yue Ying! We can take these Wu/Wei losers any day! We got the stronger people on our side!
Zhen Ji: Ha! You may have the stronger people, but you all look like a bunch of cows compared to us, especially Yue Ying! Why don’t you ladies just forfeit now and save face, or *looks at Yue Ying* do you want to be the bigger of the two embarrassments in your marriage, hmm?
*Yue Ying slightly cocks her head to one side, then jumps into the tub*
Yue Ying: How about you stop gabbing and get in here! Ladies, lets show these weak little girls why they shouldn’t mess with real women! *points at Zhen Ji* I call dibs on the pompous princess with a big mouth!
*Ma Chao pulls out a Walkie-talkie and yells into it.*
MC: Guys get in here! It’s ON! Bring the snacks and the extra cameras! *the others rush in with snacks and camera and start taping!*
*Soon the ladies from both sides jump into the giant tub and start wrestling. Plenty of mud slinging, tackling, grunting and other things that would take place in a standard mud wrestling match. By the end of the hour, every lady was covered head to toe in mud and some had less of an outfit than what they started with.*
MC: Ok ladies! Since both side stood firm and you all fought so well, we have decided that it is a draw! Better luck next year and be sure to shower and get dressed! Onto round two!
Ladies: What the [expletive]!!