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germanproz

Rank 5
germanproz
Joined
19 Mar 2010
Posts
4209
Location
Freiburg Germany
PostedSep 30, 2010 8:29 pm
"Wynters dashed at the wolf, his knife drawn. Wynters latched onto the thing's back, and started to drive the knife into"

one error, you identified it then continued to call them "things" once the creature was identified as a wolf, yous should refer to it as such from then on.

very good writing though, i like your style, and i disagree, it needs no more inuendo. Mutant werewolves, with the trademark smarts, guardians, ice, beserkers, and powers should be enough. The reference to the Auz A2 covra? (yes a gun. but still one in wolfteam) the map structure the same, yet a plausible storyline to go with it? its perfectly fine to me and meets with desired connectivity to wolfteam. My only suggesion would be to work on transitions from action just slight. throw in a bit of thought fomr a character. (just not anything like. "whats going on?" he thought. That standalone sentence doesn't do much.
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djashes

Rank 5.1
djashes
Joined
31 Aug 2007
Posts
8990
Location
Y u mad United States
PostedSep 30, 2010 9:18 pm
germanproz wrote:
"Wynters dashed at the wolf, his knife drawn. Wynters latched onto the thing's back, and started to drive the knife into"

one error, you identified it then continued to call them "things" once the creature was identified as a wolf, yous should refer to it as such from then on.  
Not true, identifying it as a wolf would become repetitive. Call it a "thing" is correct, in a sense.

HolySylent

Rank 4
HolySylent
Joined
12 May 2009
Posts
2741
Location
Bleh United States
PostedOct 06, 2010 8:16 pm
djashes wrote:
germanproz wrote:
"Wynters dashed at the wolf, his knife drawn. Wynters latched onto the thing's back, and started to drive the knife into"

one error, you identified it then continued to call them "things" once the creature was identified as a wolf, yous should refer to it as such from then on.  
Not true, identifying it as a wolf would become repetitive. Call it a "thing" is correct, in a sense.  


Er, okay thanks. o.o

<br>BFBC2 - SylentGhost</br> <br>Rift - Sylvus/Katsuro</br> <br>CoD BO - HolySylent </br> <br>Steam - HolySylent</br> <br>WolfTeam - Insurrezione</br>

djashes

Rank 5.1
djashes
Joined
31 Aug 2007
Posts
8990
Location
Y u mad United States
PostedOct 14, 2010 12:36 pm
I finally got really bored and thought of reading this, and I must say well done! Are you looking into being an author? Though forming your own world is different, your story is book quality.

HolySylent

Rank 4
HolySylent
Joined
12 May 2009
Posts
2741
Location
Bleh United States
PostedOct 14, 2010 1:12 pm
I wish I could djashes, being an author is a small dream of mine. But I lack the vocabulary, creativity, and the patience to become a successful bookwriter. Maybe I could get into short stories, but I don't see it happening, especially with so many other authors as competition out there.

<br>BFBC2 - SylentGhost</br> <br>Rift - Sylvus/Katsuro</br> <br>CoD BO - HolySylent </br> <br>Steam - HolySylent</br> <br>WolfTeam - Insurrezione</br>

djashes

Rank 5.1
djashes
Joined
31 Aug 2007
Posts
8990
Location
Y u mad United States
PostedOct 14, 2010 2:48 pm
HolySylent wrote:
I wish I could djashes, being an author is a small dream of mine. But I lack the vocabulary, creativity, and the patience to become a successful bookwriter. Maybe I could get into short stories, but I don't see it happening, especially with so many other authors as competition out there.  
Well try to continue these. They might get longer. Razz

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