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somsoksolet

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PostedApr 01, 2013 11:36 am
ckdragonck wrote:
Honestly, I couldn't follow any of this. I couldn't even fix the grammar. Sorry to be harsh, but it's absolutely horrid.

I love reading and writing stories. I really want to read yours since it looks like you put alot of effort into it. I just...can't...understand anything you wrote...

Surprisingly enough, I could read this:





Which means your work is harder to read than that.  


Hah, interesting, i could read it as fast as i read a normal document.

Btw, i've no problem reading wiedzmah post either. Smile

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gryffon011

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PostedApr 01, 2013 12:27 pm
Well, spelling isn't as important as grammar for conveying meaning, and sadly coming from Russian to English if you're not fluent in both is a little like sticking a square block in a round hole. It works with a big enough hammer but the result is a tad mangled. If I remember right, Russian word order is backwards from English and it uses different emphasis on verbs, so a straight translation from either language winds up confusing. I got the gist of what you were trying to say, which given what I know of your native language is quite the accomplishment.

Continue, tovarish.

wiedzmah

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PostedApr 01, 2013 1:47 pm
actually russian grammar is a mess of exclusions - the word order is the least meaningful compared to English or even less so - to German. that's our fail and a victory as well - because it creates different patterns of speech, which relays mostly on context, making a fortune for writers but it makes less sense to unexperienced readers. As for me and you - I would get similar issues if I wrote it on russian and for russian people - it would be just a little less comprehensive and maybe more valuable in a measures of art.

ckdragonck

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PostedApr 02, 2013 6:11 am
wiedzmah wrote:
actually russian grammar is a mess of exclusions - the word order is the least meaningful compared to English or even less so - to German. that's our fail and a victory as well - because it creates different patterns of speech, which relays mostly on context, making a fortune for writers but it makes less sense to unexperienced readers. As for me and you - I would get similar issues if I wrote it on russian and for russian people - it would be just a little less comprehensive and maybe more valuable in a measures of art.  


English also utilizes context, but specifically for the words themselves, not grammar. I understand that your writing is slightly based off of Russian grammar, but that means nothing to English readers when you're writing in English.

Who are you now? Who are you really? Are you really you? Am I really me? I'm a Loremaster, Animistic Metaphysical Philosopher with a knack for Situational Ethics, and a Demiromantic Asexual.... Those are what I am. But WHO am I? ): ): ):

wiedzmah

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PostedApr 04, 2013 4:43 pm

chapter # ...chosen
The deep under the earth in the bunker three men walked the corridor to the main hall, intensely talking inbetween:
- Just please ! Please don't make us confused in front of not only people, as you know, the elkanas - they do have their opinions as well, you don't want unpleasant gossips, do you?
- That were the idea of yourselves, so take the responsibility for it : your idea -> your implemention -> your results, despite results' likeliness to demands ! - they walked not just as speakers but two of them were holding third one's hands and semi-inistively guided him as if he resisted or tried to escape every possible moment . But he wasn't. He was only arguing against others intentions :
-Why are you holding me !? Am I a prisoner of yours ?! I can perfectly walk along by myself - I'm not a stubborn child you treating me of ! So don't upset me too much or I won't answer for myself!
The two said companions released him that moment. And Carl ( that was him) walked now freely just in front of Mark and Sarah . That was already the end of their trip - presence detector operated door sled away to the right revealing the specially designed hall heavily crowded with two distinctive types of people : neo-human - genetically engineered descendants of the Homo Sapiens, these men and women were here for only one purpose, but i think better to name it as their option - neo-humans aren't pushed to behave so imperatively - to become a commander of an arkana, and by the way - they all were adults ; the other type were the goal of neo-humans - the arkanas - these are come as only women, genetically engineered as well but with one strict lead - they're not for population support, they're for population protection - thus all of these little girls, before the initiation called elkanas, are instantly sterile. As have been said before - they were girls - from very young about loosely 5 years of a neo-human child, to semi-teen maidens clearly defining their future role - as long as their archetype properties were genetically manipulated explicitly to maintain certain purpose, one of six to be exact. Along with young elkanas - arkanas yet not joined the Ark project in official terms - there were several adult ones but not as the bodies - holograms. These are the guides or tutors of arkana's professions, and a certain amount of medics off course - the one of arkana major types, and only one allowed to serve as the doctor inside the bunker colony - not only as a surfaced explorer. And one of that medics immediately approached the newly entered trio :
- Greetings, I need the ID's of you two because your ID, Mark, all of our medics memorized perfectly, - said the arkana while typing mentioned ID number in her tablet with "meaningful" smile.
- Ok, my ID is #########... - Carl stepped forward and with a nod for greeting dictated his personal ID - unique chain of numbers and letters tied to every one neo-human (and arkana as well) at his or her birth and through electronic registration state as a name or better to say - passport.
Oh, wow, captan, sir, it's an honor to see you around, ... at last - her speech made Carl to screw up his face at the start of it but 'interesting' ending draw his closer attention to the medic - pale glassy-eyed blonde with simple face but very attractive body:
- It seems that Mark still dinning in your ears about me, - replied Carl, while Mark demonstratively looked away pretending he haven't heard a thing.
The medic were barely matured woman of a northern Europe type - blond hair, middle sized blue eyes, middle build - neigher high nor small, medium stature - neigher athletic nor fatty nor skinny, she looked almost featureless but ... Carl couldn't tell what feat of hers could catch somebody's attention - maybe that's why she stayed underground as a personnel, but not roamed above as an arkana , just maybe.
- Sure he does, - agreed medic with smile, - now help yourself to familiarize here with these girls, don't rush to make a choice - you really need to be precise and sure when you do, - finished medic and switched to Sarah.
- Huh, Mark you certainly making a harem for yourself, aren't you ? Don't you think that to have more than 3 is a bit too much for one you, do you ?
- Carl, that's what they think before they come to me, after - they share my point of view and never regret.
Carl haven't bothered himself answering and just walked away to the main area, where most of elkanas dwelled. He disliked the whole idea of binding the two - arkana and her commander - even the term 'commander' raised questions itself. Carl preferred the word - 'overseer', form his point of view it defines his role a lot better despite not perfectly too. At least that was how Carl would treat this relationship and whom he'd try to be to his arkana in all times. Starting from that point he decalred for himself that his arkana should be somewhat more grown up then most of others, or the average one - and that's not by the means physiological age, but in a state of mind mostly. Taking that major lead Carl easily narrowed his choice to 'teen' aged girls and now was looking among such of them for the clues of target mentality. He inspected from afar some of otherwise 'sufficient' elkanas more carefully and one by one rejected them all. Fullly engulfed by this process he was like awaken by the sudden appearance of a former glass-eyed medic :
- Can I help you in some way ?
- Oh, actually no, but -er- if I point to you some of elkanas, could you provide me with more precise info about them ?
- Sure, just go on, pick one, - suggested Medic.
- Well -er- then ... - Carl certainly have noted for himself some girls but they sure weren't tied to one given place so Carl completely lost their tracks : some stood up and went somewhere the others instead sit down, at this case Carl could only peek the one left unmoved. This girl were sitting as if glued to the place. Staring to one distant point not moving at all. She sat straight but leaned to the back of her chair and so motionless she were - Carl came across and waved his hand in front of her face - no reaction ! That very moment he took brief glance to the medic but noticed that girl has small eargear with thin glossy antennas - she appeared to listen for something. He stopped the medic which made a certain movement to wake girl up by shaking her by the shoulder. Instead Carl said :
- Can you track down what signal she receiving ?
- Um, sure, - medic appear half concerned half worried about the girl but did that by several taps and slides by her finger on her tablet :
- Ehm, sir, Are you sure you want be to attach you to the signal - it appears fully analogue aqoustic and very loud one..
- Don't make me more curious, just bring it on ! - ordered Carl
- o.k. - replied medic and demonstratively tapped the tablet, and Carl screwed his face from noisy distorted sound rushing violently into his ears :
[*]
BARF!
Look at
My face
I'm all sucked up
I think
I'll sleep all day
I get
The spins
when my eyes are shut
I hate feeling this way
FLUSH! ..

- Goddamit !!! what crap is this ?!! - Carl nearly ripped his headgear off his head - sound was so rough and unbearable beyond his comprehension.
- Is she really listening to this ?
- I'm afraid yes, - said medic.
Carl stood staring to his headgear and listened to the reaching sounds, then slowly started putting it back on - listening :

Tell me no gossip
I don't wanna know
Jimmy got caught
Smelling like beer by his mom and his dad
He's grounded for a year
Lisa got popped
She got a DUI
She cussed out the cops
She's lucky she's alive
Tell me no gossip
I don't wanna know
Pedro got jumped
He's always starting fights
Every time he gets drunk
It happens all the time Reggie OD'd
From slammin heroin
He's not a dope fiend he was trying to fit in

Sound haven't changed but Carl couldn't help but admit he starting to like it after a certain pause (certain for us off course ! Wink the sound continued but in different manner :

I gave you everything
All the pain life brings
Just to get you to come back to Me
I want to give you light
I don't want to ever fight
Stop resisting and come home to Me
You're so afraid of love
There's not much time
All the pain inside just makes you want to die
Love Me
Don't hate Me
You're angry
It's OK
Trust Me
Come this way
Live in Eternity
I'm the real drug to take
To numb your heartache
Stop your running and come back to Me...

- Louder ! - ordered Carl to the medic and she obeyed. Unbelievable to her was his reaction - moments ago he scorched about and now asked to do the opposite. Reflectively he pressed earphones of a gear to his head ajusting them for more volume. Medic waved her palm in front of his face to make him brush her off, still listening :

Look at yourself
You can't even get to sleep
Boy you love your wealth
You bow down to your money
You got what you want, but it won't get you far
Was it what you thought? You forgot who you are...

Carl pushed himself to stop listening with true great effort :
- Cut it off of me, ... I've decided ,... yeah, I've made up my decision ! - I take her as my arkana register it please ! Immediatlely ! - ordered Carl to the medic, shocked so strong - she dropped her jaw open, her glasses slid to the side, and she barely dropped her tablet to the floor, speechless.


{off} [*] Brian"Head" Welch : "Flush","L.O.V.E","Money"{/off}

michaelxushi

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PostedApr 05, 2013 2:49 am
Interesting chapter~~~
Though there are a number of grammar mistakes that makes it kinda hard to read...
But ah well I could read it, and I believe that I got to understand it as an whole~~


Moving on I assume that the 'elkanas' are Arkana in their premature form(early years).
Which is a quite interesting idea, though you could just simple have called them for Arkana instead of going ahead and calling them elkana.

Me: Lazy, perverted, talkative, got lots of interests, otaku.... That more or less sums me up XD.

wiedzmah

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PostedApr 05, 2013 8:09 am
michaelxushi wrote:
Interesting chapter~~~
Though there are a number of grammar mistakes that makes it kinda hard to read...
But ah well I could read it, and I believe that I got to understand it as an whole~~  


thanx definitely gonna fix them
 

Moving on I assume that the 'elkanas' are Arkana in their premature form(early years).
Which is a quite interesting idea, though you could just simple have called them for Arkana instead of going ahead and calling them elkana.  

If you haven't noticed Elkana word used in RG faction overview upon character creation, and
[spoiler]one of planned chapters is fully addressing the process of "receiving ARK project" - don't ask to explain last phrase - it spoil even more then Wink[/spoiler]

michaelxushi

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PostedApr 05, 2013 8:50 am
Oh I didn't know that >.<
lolz I won't ask, as I don't like to be spoiled that much......

Me: Lazy, perverted, talkative, got lots of interests, otaku.... That more or less sums me up XD.

Huntersteel85

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PostedApr 24, 2013 5:15 pm
Kudos to you. I find myself drawn towards the story. Its time for the Grammar **** dude.

wiedzmah

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PostedApr 16, 2014 6:15 pm

chapter#unseen
..... when commander thought he sees the last his very first arkana, something stuck to his leg while he was kneed above what (or better to say whom) he thought he'd breathe and leave for, and he never used the word 'it' for this arkana - he always stated she's alive human being. Not intentionally, but machinally he took that object, and nearly same moment he regret - it was the hypovial of blood plasma sample not of a decent value, but not the value was the reason to regret - the flask was flawed, though not completely broken just a star of flawes from the impact spot, but flaws made it possible for rain drops to get inside and start heavy chemical reaction causing the containment to change color spreading from the flaw to the whole flask
- Heh, maybe I myself inherited unluck from the Jack - he may demand another nickname now. What, could I do with broken hypovial ?
And as he've spoken that, inside of him - the answer came up. As ridiculous it would be in other circumstances, as decisive and effective it seemed for the moment.
He took shady glance behind him, to find that nobody pays attention.
He spread his hand to the nearest hip socket of arkana and praised mentally her sockets version - along with mechanoid connection through neurosynaptic wiring embedded into every arkana's major joints and spine, his arkana beared also piping plugs and a direct hypovial access that's why his arkana beared such strange oversized sockets: electric terminators, 'hovering' (they haven't need to be connected to), voltage and power checkers, sucking and purging pumps - that's all in every single socket. As he was ought to learn every bit of his arkana's equipment he already knew how to insert standart latch hypovial and pressed this one into reachable socket."Just, stick it here,.. carefully... Then twist clockwise till the 'click' " - guided he himself mentally. Click !.. but nothing happened at all. Karl paused for moment to give it a last try, but no sounds no movements, no... nothing. Except that, from under the socket ran thin thread of blood, clotted but unstoppable... That happened before - such big and complex devices physically can't avoid to burden or damage soft human organism because of it's inflexibility.
"Complex devices can be checked for integrity by my very presence, and you've failed such test again,... as always, though".- thought Carl before completely lose any interest in what he did recently. Radioactive rain wasn't changed at all but this time Carl felt it as needles penetrating his body as a punishment for everything he takes as he's sins or mistakes. He pulled his personal officer's pistol by uninjured hand and consealed it behind his leg till the proper moment...

{off} yeah i'm finally back{/off}
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