Nice try for a first time. But I see it's really laggy. Some tips:
- Try Fraps/Dxtory. With these programs you can record on 30 fps while playing on 60 fps.
- Fix the sound next time.
- Use some color correction, it makes everything look nicer.
- Don't zoom in, it looks terrible.
- And ofcourse, improve skills. Try to get streaks.