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Space_Agent

Rank 3
Space_Agent
Joined
12 Oct 2009
Posts
985
Location
Somewhere within Finland
PostedSep 23, 2012 2:58 pm

"From rookie to legacy"

Written by Space_Agent
Once upon a time there was an rookie soldier called Felix.
He was a student of a school named "Saint Sanctum". He was known for multiple languages that he could spoke. He wasn't much of a math person but he definitely loved chemistry.
His grades were from B to A and for Felix it was great since he was planning to go to college.

...After he finished his high school he got a letter from U.S army, an invitation which Felix had to do eventually. His plans were to finish the college and go to army. As for a job, he hadn't decided so far except that the pharmacist sounded good for Felix.

After his college he went to the army and boy did he succeed well there.
There was a small accident though that happened while he was in the army. Felix was stationed in a campsite and given order to stay out and look after his squad during the night. Suddenly he heard voices from the forest and decided to investigate. When he was in the forest he saw that he was surrounded by a pack of wolves. Felix forgot his rifle to his camp so he started to run away.
Eventually he was caught and 1 of the wolfs bit him. Felix felt strange changes on himself. He had then noticed that he had amazingly fast reflexes. Saddest part was that Felix realized that the wolfs were no original wolves. They were werewolves. So did Felix keep his secret that he was part of a wolf now and he did return to camp.

While in the army he had improved a lot with his gun skills. Felix was assigned to another squad.
The squad expertised at killing bandits who had stolen military armor to be bulletproof.
His squad performed well and he got ranked to a corporal for his heroic actions.

To be continued...

I also have to apologize if I had some grammar fails.

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germanproz

Rank 5
germanproz
Joined
19 Mar 2010
Posts
4209
Location
Freiburg Germany
PostedSep 24, 2012 8:21 pm
Sorry Retro.. but maybe you should stick with playing the game, not writing about it...

This story really has no thought put into it, and it seems like it was written in a quick, short burst on a whim. If you continue, here are some tips you might want to look at.

Plan Ahead: Seriously! Where do you want this story to go? Where's the end point? You as the author are the only one who can decide, and you have to take us there. Next time you write, sit down in a quiet place, and take serious time deciding how you want the story to be, its tone and mood, and how you're going to use your structure.

Don't Cover Too Much: You have a great story to tell, but we need some more to it. What you have right now gives us the background information and suspense for a plot that a pre-schoolers story-time book does. You need to spend more time with each subject. His entire personality should have taken three pages to cover, and be developed further as the story goes on; not in thre sentences at the start.

Dialogue, Dialogue, Dialogue: I know it's scary, but you have to use it. You need other characters, and much much much more speech between them.

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