I woke up with out any feeling of worth.
Lay in bed, trying to fall back into my escape from reality.
The sun seeping through my curtains denies me sanctuary.
Without any other alternative, I go about my nonexistent life.
Shower. Eat. Check facebook. Check phone. Log onto Grand Fantasia. Listen to music.
A waste of life, am I not?
Highlight of the day: tanning in the back yard with my sister.
I was more than happy to go back in and conceal my body with clothes.
Looking at it pains me.
I'm not like other girls, the nice, funny, tall, thin and pretty ones.
Life gives you what you need, not what you want.
Its hard to distinguish the difference between the two. That's when you need to sit down and reevaluate the situation. Dismiss your doubts and ask yourself what it is you need.
You can't have everything you want, so the least you should do is grasp onto what you need.
As life passes by you'll find yourself changing. Its scary at first, but embrace the change like a breeze on your skin. Walk blindly and feel fully. Then you'll be able to see whats in front of you.
The past 2 days, I found myself remembering a lot of things. Things people, how I acted, how I felt. So just awhile ago, I wondered if anything actually changed. If I'm better off than I was, or if things got worse. While I find myself remembering somethings, I'm forgetting others. I'm not really sure... how I feel about myself anymore. Or if I ever had an idea in the first place...
I'm no angel. I'm not a even good person. And I won't pretend to be. I'm full of scars that will scare people away. My world is made of glass. It's delicate. People leave hand prints and smudges. They aren't very gentle, and after awhile cracks are made. Sometimes parts shatter completely into jagged pieces that dig into me. I'm covered in glass splinters. They dig into me as people continue to rough handle me. Some people will grasp a piece and dig it into me... I'm human. I have feelings. I express those feelings even though I don't know the proper way how.
If I frustrate you, to bad. You clearly don't know me as well as you'd like to think if your mad.
You wanna start assuming crap? No, your not, because you don't know everything so you may as well just shut up now.
Next you're gonna talk behind my back? At least make sure I don't find out about it, idiot.
Like seriously, some people make me sick. Actually sick to my stomach.
Don't expect to get back on my good side. Ever.
You hurt me, so I'm done with you. Your mad now, but you'll be regretting it later. You, not me.
End of story.
I'm over sensitive. I take little things seriously because it gets to me.
I cry easily, because I'm not as strong as I'd like people to thing; but never fully, because my tears have been dried up.
I feel my personality split in to from the person I let people see, and the small girl I am on the inside.
I really just feel like I'm all alone in a dark room that's locked from the out side. That people just pass by it, knowing whats on the other side but not caring. That the world abandoned me...
I feel so small so lonely...
It hurts seeing that someone else has the person you wanted so bad. It this feeling, that sort of squishes you and you feel empty inside. What's worse, is knowing you shouldn't feel that way because you told yourself you didn't love them anymore. That you told yourself you could handle just being friends. Desires really are the cause of unhappiness...
I'm broken inside. I'm completely shattered from the world around me, and the people walking over the already broken pieces.
I don't know what hope feels like. I've never had the will to.
I'm trying though. I really am trying. But what else can I do? I'm working to make it better. I'm trying to ignore the expectations of the world around me. I'm trying to be happy with whats in front of me.
But how can I be happy with something I hate? I don't know how to stop hating myself.
So, there's this pain inside that makes my stomach lurch. I start to feel like I'm completely alone and my body goes cold. A little lump forms in my throat. My mind goes blank as I try to identify the problem. I know that I'm scared. I'm scared but what can I do?
I've been waking up frequently the past few nights, but today I woke up just wanting to throw up. Except for when I was on prescribed pain killers, never have I woken up wanting to throw up.
At first, I thought it might of been a horrible dream. Now that I'm more awake, I think its more of a toll on my body. Toll of stress and pent up emotions, not being able to get back to running because of my leg, eating less.
I know theres been a few points in my life where my body would feel numb as a sign that I was miserable and something was wrong, but never this far...
Back from my little vacation.
I defiantly needed a break from this site. It makes me think to much (even though thats the point because this is my little blog place since I dont really like tumblr haha...).
I guess I just needed a little time to get over the fact, that some people just won't care about you. And I don't mean strangers. I mean old friends, and people that are supposed to be your friend...
Today is my last day of being 15...
I remember few, but many things about my life at the same time.
I remember feelings and thoughts, but have forgotten so many of the events of my past.
I'm faced with a decision tomorrow, and I know whatever I do will end up being the wrong choice.
I want to stay strong and keep fighting but at the same time it feels like I've already lost...
Just the other day it was tearing me apart, but now it feels like the war inside me has just frozen...
Tomorrow will decide the winner.
Tomorrow decides my life...
I feel the pain ripple threw my body, and the unshed tears sting my eyes as they refuse to fall. The pain in my heart grows every minute as I know that I am alone in this cold world.
The pain of my loses haunts me so that if I dare to touch upon the memory, I am stuck down with the heavy weight of regret.
Far to many cracks have been made on my heart of stone.
To many emotional left overs from a dark past that have a hold on my present.
The emptiness of disappointment and frustration burns in my gut.
What I did today: I took a moment and thought about the old friends in my. I asked myself how much I missed them and how deeply my lose hurt.
Then I came to my senses and was like "PSSSSH them ****s gone is a blessing" and ate ma smile cookie from Time Hortons ;)
Ill keep holding my tears in because I know theres no where I can just be alone and let my emotions out undisturbed. I know theres no way to get them out because I cant bring myself to speak. I cant say the little things that get to me because then I would have to explain why it hurts me. Theres no healthy way to let out all of the jagged pieces of my past with out my heart tearing. So I'll bluntly go threw the conversations, avoid the explanations, quietly fade into the back ground and keep on walking.
Its amazing how one person can make you feel like feel invincible. They say things that make your heart race, your eyes sparkle and your spirit dance.
They turn your whole day around, from bad to wonderful.
They love every little thing about you and make sure you know.
They tease you but it never gets annoying, only makes you smile even wider.
They fill you with nothing but happiness and erase all of the bad around you.
Its like being held in the arms of an angel
Doing this so early because I thought of it last night but I didnt wanna go on my laptop because I like not looking like a zombie for school :P
Happiness is fleeting like a shooting star. It's there for a moment then it's gone.
True happiness is something you make happen for yourself. You have to work for it. It wont be handed to you.
Just because your happy, doesn't necessarily make you truly happy. We smile at a moment of happiness, but we still have pain to deal with once the moment passes.
I find it funny how friends can see something totally different from you. They don't really understand how you feel and say how they see it. Say how something could of worked or could of been.
At first though, its stupid, angering and laughable. At second thought, it sort of makes sense, not that Id ever admit. I'm far to bitter and cruel of a person to see something in such a happy light.
I tell myself that I'm just being strong by doing so, but I'm sure other people see it as some sort of way of avoiding confrontation. Which could be true.
I am currently going threw one of those moments, where you just have so many thoughts going threw your head, that you just sit (or in my case lay) there blankly looking at the same spot. Normally id make something reverently intelligent to say but I dont think I cant manage it...
I dont understand how people cant stand up for what they deserve, not matter what the consequences.
I dont understand how someone can forgive so easily just because of your blood.
I dont understand how someone can keep giving them self up for someone whos just using them and be fully aware of it.
Okay, so high school starts today. In less than an hour actually. And I, being the demented thing that I am, am crazy nervous. And honestly, I know there's no need to be but I cant help it. :/ I fear things that I know wont happen to me, but still could. Like falling down the stairs (or up them...), walking into a trash can, stuttering, forgetting my name ect. All very silly but common things.
I think I'm most scared because there's practically no chance that my friends will be in my class :/ I do not do well around new people...
La de da de da.
K just read this stupid inbox... I barley understood the ****ing thing...
That song you gave me was nice Zenny :D I got my sister to like it :3
Holy **** think Ian fell down the stairs... hahaha im not gonna check. I hope he broke something , son of a ****.
ANYWAY. To the main reason Im here ~ so I was looking for something to listen to on my iPod, and Gone Forever by Tree Days Grace comes on. Now for the most part I don't listen to my old music like that but I listened to the words. I actually was smiling while listening to it.
So I know I just made a blog not even an hour ago, and this kinda ties in with it, so yeah.
I updated my iPod a while ago (no this ain't gonna be sum stupid BS, wait for it) and all my music went off. So I put the important stuff back on and was listening to it, and a lot of Evanescence and Three Days Grace came on. (Thankfully I didn't put Breaking Benjamin back on.)
Title says it all o3o got ma hair done :o
Top has more highlights n bottom half ish black =w=
I personally hate the pic cuz its so crappy but everyone else likes it so whateva~ Im to lazy and sicky to try n look good for another one ~_~
My best friend and sister, Shawntay, for 3 years is moving to Alberta. Aka the other God **** side of Canada. Shes leaving this tuseday. It hasn't really hit me yet... I know when shes gone it'll hit me like a ton of bricks, when I walk threw the high school doors without her, when both our birthdays pass... I don't know how I'm going to feel... I just hope I wont completely die inside.
You fill me with happiness and joy. You are the reason I wake up happy, and have sweet dreams at night. You make me smile brighter than any star. That smile you love so much. That smile is a smile just for you. That smile only comes on whenever your near. You are the reason I smile. You can give me that beautiful smile, and you can be the reason it goes away. Today was the 1st day I didn't smile because of you, but I'm going to try and make it the last. No more miscommunications or bitter feelings, because I know I can give you that same smile you give me.
You know what, it doesn't matter if I don't have you. It doesn't matter if you leave me. You know why? Because it doesn't matter it doesn't matter if you break my heart. It's been broken before, and I lived. That's why it doesn't matter. Because I know I'll make it threw. I can cut you off whenever I need to, but I am going to do hold on a while longer and actually hope you come around.