Diary of Avri Thanatos -- Search & Rescue stinks

Dear Diary,

After defeating the Balrog I thought I could handle anything. I mean, that's what took Gandalf The Grey down, right? I surpassed him and I was only level 17 at the time! Of course, you gotta give the old guy points for laying the groundwork for a really great, dramatic return scene. And I can understand why he was so long in coming back to the story, too - after all, leveling up that much takes time. But I digress...

As I was saying, I killed the Balrog one day, then turned around and took on those nasty blue Butchers over in Merac country the next. So I think I've proven that I'm no simpering miss. I really thought that I could handle a simple search and rescue mission on my own.

When I went to sign up for this fiasco they made it sound pretty standard: Infiltrate the enemy base and save the princess. However, what they very carefully failed to mention was that said princess is terminally stupid. The brightest thing about her is her smile, not that I saw much of that once the running and screaming began.

The princess cried the whole time, making any attempt at stealth utterly impossible. And in the notably few pauses between wails, she kept asking where her prince was. How the heck should I know? Maybe he's the guy who hired me. You'd think she'd be happy *anyone* was there to save her. I know I wouldn't be so picky, so long as whomever showed up got the job done. Anyhow, thanks to all the noise she made we were, predictably, ambushed at every turn...which, of course, only made her cry harder. And louder. And when she wasn't lagging behind like monster bait, she crowded me so badly that I had trouble getting clear shots at the monsters attacking her. (Someone please tell me, how many brain cells does it take to figure out that when being swarmed by goblins, trolls, and harpies, it is a bad idea to hang on your bodyguard's sword arm? Sheesh.)

She never even bothered to tell me when monsters were sneaking up on us from behind. Well, except to wail with renewed enthusiasm. Let's just say that I'm not a fan of that type of early warning system. A simple "hey, look out!" would have suited me much better.

In the end, the monsters got her. As far as I'm concerned, they can keep her. Give it another week, maybe two, and I'll bet we hear stories of a band of trolls sneaking out of the mine to dump her somewhere. Just to be rid of her. Then Prince Charming can darned well go pick up Her Royal Highness himself!

Comments